White Collar Fic - It Must Be Now - Part Seven-B (WCBB)

[elrhiarhodan]

Title: It Must Be Now - Part Seven-B of Seven
Author: elrhiarhodan
Artist: treonb / Art Post
Fandom: White Collar
Rating: R
Characters/Pairings: Peter Burke, Neal Caffrey, Elizabeth Burke, David Siegel, Diana Berrigan, Theodore "Mozzie" Winters, Theo Berrigan, Sara Ellis, Clinton Jones, Matthew Keller; Peter/Elizabeth (Past), Peter/Neal (Past), Neal/Keller (Past), Peter/Neal
Word Count: ~60,000
Spoilers: None
Warnings/Enticements/Triggers: Major Character Illness
Beta Credit: pooh_collector, sinfulslasher
Summary: In this alternate universe, the story opens as Peter and Elizabeth's marriage ends. Peter tries to move into a new life, but finds himself haunted by his past - a relationship with Neal Caffrey when they were both students at Harvard - and a future that might come to an end far too soon.

Author’s Note: Many, many thanks to my alpha readers theatregirl7299 and miri_thompson, who provided an endless bounty of encouragement.

Even more thanks to my wonderful and talented artist, treonb, who created the beautiful and evocative promo video.

Title from the Annie Lennox Song "Oh God (Prayer)", which TreonB used in the vid.

__________________





Peter couldn't quite believe that Neal brought him a dog. How many times in the last few months had he felt the sharp loss of Satchmo's companionship? Just this morning, he'd whined to Neal about not going for a walk because he didn't have a dog. And now – just like that – he had one; a lovely young golden retriever who seemed to have no concept of personal space.

He looked at Neal – his smile seemed a bit tentative – and said the only thing he could. "Thank you."

"I've often been accused of having the impulse control of a three-year old. But it seemed like the perfect choice."

Peter continued to stroke Lula's head, relishing the softness, the warmth, the sheer alive-ness of the dog, and felt some of the perpetual melancholy that plagued him since his diagnosis ease. "It was. She's going to make a difference for me."

Neal nodded. "That's what I'm hoping for."

"You're making a difference for me, too."

Neal cocked his head, giving him a puzzled look.

Peter sighed. "Last week – and I still can't believe that it's only been three days – I was wondering why I was bothering with treatment. I was having a hard time figuring out the point."

"Of living?" Neal was shocked.

"Yeah. It's hard to explain – I wouldn't say it was depression or suicidal thoughts. But just having difficulty understanding why I needed to suffer so much pain in order to live."

"Was it because you had no one?"

Peter shrugged, although the question was valid. "A part if it was that. Being alone made me question too many things. But I think that if I told Elizabeth how sick I was, she might have wanted to patch up our differences."

Neal got a very strange expression on his face. On anyone else, it might have been guilt, but maybe it was jealousy. Before he could say anything, Neal reached over Lula and took his hand.

"There's something I need to tell you. And I need you to listen to everything before you react."

Peter couldn't imagine what Neal had to say that required such a dire warning. "This doesn't sound good."

"A few weeks ago, I decided I wanted to throw a sixtieth birthday party for my business partner, Mozzie. I wanted it to be something very special, so I decided to hire an event planner."

As soon as Peter heard those last two words, he knew what was coming, but Neal held up a hand, forestalling any comments, and Peter decided he needed to just listen.

"I started with the Internet – did a local search and came up with more than a few names. One, however, really caught my eye."

"Burke Premier Events?"

"Yeah." Neal laughed a little. "I made a decision to hire an event planning company on the basis of the name. Burke. That was it. That's how much I've never been able to forget you – you've influenced something as random as that."

"So you've met my ex-wife."

"I did – about two weeks ago. We met for drinks, to discuss some ideas, for me to get a sense that I'd made the right decision."

Peter had a feeling he knew just what night Neal and Elizabeth had met, but he didn't interrupt.

"Elizabeth told me she was divorced almost immediately. But she'd never mentioned your name."

"Really?"

"Yeah. That night, she'd just said she was divorced and had gone back to her maiden name, even though she wasn't changing the name of her business."

"And you didn't ask?"

"No – I didn't, and it didn't really occur to me to do so."

Peter could understand that. Burke wasn't as common as "Smith" or "Jones" but it was a fairly common name. "Okay, so you've met my ex."

"She's a very lovely woman. I can understand why you married her. She's smart and beautiful."

Peter agreed, "Yes, she is." But he knew that there had to be more to Neal's story than this. "What aren't you telling me?"

"We've become friends."

"And?"

"She told me what you'd said to her. We were having dinner – at my apartment – she'd wanted to share some ideas for the venue. I noticed that she was upset and when I asked her what was wrong, she brushed it off. So I told her we were friends, and then she burst into tears."

Peter swallowed. "I'd told her we weren't friends. We were exes and we had no relationship. I did to Elizabeth what I'd done to you."

"Yeah. But I still had no idea that she was your ex. She'd never once mentioned your name, or even that her former husband was a retired FBI agent."

"When did you make the connection?"

"Not until after our meeting at Shepard and Franklin, when Diana and I went for drinks and talked. As soon as she said Elizabeth's name, I knew."

Peter extricated himself from Lula's weight and walked over to the windows. He wasn't sure how he felt about this.

Neal joined him. "I didn't know how to tell you. When to tell you. Maybe I should have on Saturday – but there were too many other things to say. Maybe if Diana hadn't shown up on Sunday, I would have figured out how to tell you. But it wasn't a priority."

"And it is now?"

"Yes." Neal turned around and leaned his back against the window. "I got a call from her this afternoon."

"Just out of the blue?"

"No – we had an appointment to go look at a venue for Mozzie's party and she wanted to cancel. She needs the time to see you. She's terribly worried."

Peter sighed and stared out at the darkening city skyline. "I didn't want Elizabeth to know I'm sick."

"That's why you cut her off?"

"Yeah."

"Noble, but stupid. Very stupid."

"I looked at her, so beautiful and bright and vibrant and happy and I thought that if she knew, she'd feel guilty, she'd want to give up everything she'd worked so hard for, to take care of me."

"Do you want her to?" There was so much emotion in that question.

Peter looked at Neal, seeing the pain, the longing, the love. There was only one right answer to that question. "No. I didn't want her to care for me before we met again, and I don't want her to now."

Neal let out a deep sigh. "I was afraid – that's why I didn't tell you. I was afraid you'd think I was devious. That I was playing you."

"No – I wouldn't think that."

"Really?" Neal's whole face lit up. "I just felt like such a sleaze. To you, and to Elizabeth."

"So, you haven't told her you know me?"

Neal shook his head. "I haven't seen her since last week – before we'd met again. Telling her today, over the phone, seemed crass. Especially since she was so worried about you."

"Yeah, that's true."

Neal asked him a question out of left field. "By the way, have you gotten any calls from unrecognized numbers this afternoon?"

"No – actually I've had my phone on mute since the fruit was delivered. Let me check." Peter retrieved his phone from the recesses of the couch and wasn't surprised to find a half-dozen calls – three from an unknown number, two from Elizabeth's cell and one from Blake. "Yes, there were a few calls from a 718 number that I don't recognize."

"Elizabeth was afraid that if she called from a number you'd recognize, you wouldn't answer. I suggested she use someone else's phone."

"You know something, you are devious."

"I was trying to help both of you. You need to talk to her, you need to apologize and to make things right. You need to tell her what's going on. She knows you're not well – and I'm guessing that Diana's not saying anything to her."

"No, Diana wouldn't." Suddenly weary, Peter went back to the couch. Lula was quick to join him. "What should I do?"

"Call her, but don't tell her over the phone. Ask her to come here tomorrow and then lay it all out."

"Will you be here?"

Neal shook his head. "I will, if you really feel you need me here, but I don't think that's a good idea. I think that would be unfair to Elizabeth, like I was ambushing her."

Peter thought about it. "You're right. It wouldn't be fair to her. I need to tell her myself, no hiding behind you."

"How about calling me when you're done. I'll come over and make my own apologies. I'm ten minutes away."

Peter agreed to the plan and added, "You know something, Neal? You're a good man. Don't ever think otherwise."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

After feeding her, Neal took Lula for a walk, giving Peter some privacy to call Elizabeth. Before he left, he had told Peter that he was going to be a while. Not only did Lula need exercise and a chance to do her business, but if he was going to spend the night, he'd need a fresh change of clothes and some toiletries.

The normal ten-minute walk took a little longer, since Lula wanted to sniff every tree and every hydrant and bush and mailbox she passed, as well as the butt of every dog she encountered. So much for good manners.

But Neal didn't mind. It was one of those perfect October evenings, the sunlight almost gone, but still bright enough to give the sky – at least the little bit he could see at street level – a bit of a glow.

He was also at peace. The conversation with Peter went so much better than he'd ever hoped it could. Peter actually understood that he'd been caught up by circumstance and bad timing. In retrospect, he was shocked at how much he'd been expecting Peter to get angry and kick him out, to be cruel and cutting.

To behave like he had twenty-five years ago.

But, as he'd said to Diana, they were different people now. Peter had matured emotionally, without a doubt the result of fifteen years of marriage to a wonderful woman. Neal couldn't help but smile at the irony.

He was different, too. Still as impulsive, but much less self-absorbed. Or so he hoped.

After finishing her doggie business, which Neal cleaned up like a good law-abiding citizen, Lula stopped to confer with an Irish Setter's butt, and was rewarded with a growl for her pains. Neal smiled in apology to the Setter's owner and pulled gently on Lula's leash. "Come on, girl. We're almost home."

Lula, smart girl that she was, gave him a confused look and turned to look back at the way they had come, back towards Peter's apartment. "No, silly. My home." And hopefully Peter's too, and sooner rather than later.

The doorman at the San Remo smiled and wished him a good evening. Neal took the time to introduce Lula, telling him that she'd be a frequent visitor, and might soon be taking up residence. He also left instructions that Peter should be admitted at any time, without question.

He left her in the living room and rushed up to his bedroom to get what he'd need. It didn't take long. Neal always had an overnight bag packed and ready to go, a decades-old habit from his gambling days. He changed out of his suit into something more casual, but grabbed another suit for tomorrow. Otherwise, Moz would be sure to comment and Neal wasn't ready to explain the situation with Peter yet.

Moz knew – of course – that he'd had his heart broken and offered up his own brand of healing – excellent weed and even better wine. But Neal had never given Mozzie the specifics, half-afraid that his friend would try to enact some bizarre vengeance on Peter.

Soon enough, he would need to tell Moz, not only did he have put any potential conflict of interest on record, he needed to give his partner the courtesy of telling him that his attention was being drawn elsewhere. That wouldn't be a problem – Moz had done his own disappearing act several times over the last few decades. As long as he knew what to expect, he wouldn't ask questions. Too many questions.

Suit packed and his overnight bag slung over his shoulder, Neal went to fetch Lula. He wasn't at all surprised to find her sleeping on the couch, her head resting on a pillow. He clicked his tongue. "Come on, girl. Time to get back to Peter."

Lula leaped from the couch and to Neal's astonishment, fetched her leash and dropped it at his feet.

"Girl, you really are something of a prodigy."

She panted at him in agreement.

The trip back to Peter's didn't take quite as long. Neal kept a tight hold on the leash, not letting Lula get distracted. But nature called and Neal was forced to wait when she stopped to piddle at the base of a decorative street lamp on Columbus Avenue.

"Neal Caffrey – the very last man in Manhattan I'd expect to find holding a dog leash."

Neal rocked back on his heels. He returned the greeting with no small amount of caution. "Matthew. Didn't know you were still in New York."

"Not still, just back from some extended traveling."

Even illuminated by the unflattering orange glow of a city street light, Matthew Keller looked good – fit and tanned and a lot less petulant than the last time Neal had seen him. "You're back permanently?"

"Nah, just in town for some business."

Neal nodded, really wanting to move on, to get back to Peter. "Good, good."

"You're looking good, Neal."

"Thanks." He tugged on Lula's leash, but she'd planted her butt on the sidewalk and wasn't budging.

"You know, I'm glad I've run into you."

"Oh, why?"

"Wanted to apologize. I behaved badly – which wasn't your fault."

Neal was surprised; the Matthew Keller he knew never apologized for anything, ever. "I wasn't my best with you, either. I think we were both looking for different things."

"Yeah. I wanted a sugar daddy and you wanted … well, I don't know what you wanted, but I wasn't going to be able to provide it."

Neal laughed. Trust Matthew to be unflinchingly honest. "Have you found your sugar daddy?"

"Yeah, I have. We're good together. Vincent's good to me."

It might have been a trick of the light, but Neal thought he saw some honest emotion in Matthew's eyes.

"You, though – you look happy, actually. Or maybe it's just the dog." Matthew held out a hand and Lula licked it. He chuckled and wiped the slobber off on her head.

"No, I am."

"You've found something?"

"Yeah – someone."

"Good. I know I was such an ass, telling you that you'd end up dying alone because no one wanted to share their life with a very pretty and very empty shell."

"And don't forget, I was a closed-off, emotionally-stunted narcissist."

"Ha! I really went to town on you. But I have a feeling that as much as I'd wanted those words to hurt, they didn't."

"Nope, not at all."

"You had to care to be insulted. And you didn't care, not one bit."

Neal shook his head and smiled. "No, I didn't, and you deserved better than that."

"You're damn right I did." Matthew smiled. "Leaving you was the best decision I ever made."

Neal didn't need to score any points, so he didn't remind Matthew that he'd kicked him out when he'd come crawling back. Lula finally decided that he'd socialized enough and got up. She started tugging him towards Peter's apartment. "Look, I've got to go. Take care of yourself, Matthew."

"You too, Neal. You too." Matthew clapped him on the shoulder and walked away.

Peter was in the kitchen when Neal let himself into the apartment, doing something completely unexpected.

He was cooking. Or trying to. He looked up at Neal with a wry grimace. "I was hungry, believe it or not. But I can't seem to master something as simple as a scrambled egg." He was holding a pan filled with both raw and burned bits of egg, and the smell was revolting.

"Want me to take over?"

"Please."

Neal set the pan to soak, and asked Peter to get another for him. It was a little amusing to watch him look through the cabinets – he might have been living here for almost a year, but it seemed that he'd only ever used the one pan that had probably been left on the stove by the decorators.

"Here you go."

Neal used the last of the eggs and butter and made a mental note to keep Peter's kitchen stocked – at least until he could convince him to move into his place.

The eggs took a few minutes and Neal watched as Peter ate them like he hadn't had a meal in weeks. "Slow down, tiger. You'll make yourself sick."

Peter didn't listen to him and all but licked the plate clean. "Thank you."

Neal waited until they'd cleaned up and restored the kitchen to its former pristine glory before asking Peter if he'd spoken with Elizabeth.

"Yeah, I did. Just for a few."

"What did she say? What did you say?"

"We couldn't really talk – she was working. But she did say that she'd be here tomorrow at four."

"Okay." Neal took a deep breath. "And are we still good with the plan to have me come over after you've made everything right?"

"If I can make things right, yes."

"Thank you. I need the chance to apologize to Elizabeth, too."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Neal. You were her friend. You didn't know who her ex-husband was."

Neal took a deep breath and confessed the last of his sins. "When I spoke to her this afternoon, when she told me that she was very worried about you, I asked her if she still loved you."

Neal could read a bit of anger in Peter's eyes.

"That was a shitty thing to do."

"I know it was."

Peter again stunned him. "But I understand why you asked. I probably would have done the same thing if our positions were reversed."

Neal just nodded.

"Can I ask, what did she say?"

Neal considered the question, and the consequences of breaking El's confidence. Even though he already owed her one apology, he didn't want to add another to the tally. "All I can say is that she cares about you the way you care about her."

Peter let out a breath. "That's good. I still care about El, too. She was my wife, I loved her very much and there will always be a part of me that still does." Peter looked at him. "Does that threaten you?"

Neal didn't even have to think about his answer. "No, not at all. Your marriage to Elizabeth made you a better man. More open, more generous, less judgmental."

"Less of an asshole, you mean."

Neal laughed. "That's exactly right."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Elizabeth approached Peter's apartment building with some trepidation. Wrapped up in a major corporate event, she'd only been able to talk with Peter for two minutes last night – just long enough for him to offer her an invitation to meet here at four PM.

Part of her was still angry at him for the way he'd treated her – proclaiming that they weren't friends, that they meant nothing to each other now, but another part of her wondered if there was something so terribly wrong that he wanted her out of his life, no questions asked.

The more she thought about it, the more horribly plausible that seemed – especially given Diana's radio silence and Peter's request to meet her at his apartment instead of his office and in the middle of the afternoon.

And that made her angrier. They might be divorced, but a judge's decree didn't erase fifteen years of a good life together. He should have told her what was going on.

The doorman cleared her through and Elizabeth continued to fume up to the twenty-first floor. She hadn't visited Peter here and when the elevator opened into a grand and glossy foyer, her first thought was that Peter must hate living here, amongst all the glass and black leather.

Then all thoughts of her ex-husband's decorating vanished when she saw Peter. He looked … awful.

"El?"

"Peter." The awkwardness between them was new and horrible and she didn't know how to deal with it. But she let him take her into the living room.

"Would you like a cup of coffee or tea or something?" At least Peter seemed just as ill at ease.

"No, what I want is to know what's going on."

"Can we sit?"

She followed him over to the couch, sat down, and noticed, of all things, stray dog hairs decorating the leather. "Peter?"

"First, will you please accept my apologies for being so cruel to you?"

El nodded, but said, "Only if you tell me why. You wanted me out of your life for a reason, and looking at you, I can't help but think you are sick and you didn't want me to know."

"I can't fool you, can I? We've known each other too long, too well."

"Peter, please." She reached out and grasped his hand. "Tell me."

"I have cancer."

The words dropped like deadweight in the quiet room.

"No." She shook her head in denial. "No, not you."

"Yes, me." Peter quickly explained what was going on, almost too quickly, too matter-of-factly.

"You had an operation and you didn't tell me? How could you?"

"El, we're divorced. You wanted a new life; you have ambitions that didn't include taking care of a sick ex-husband."

"No, no. That's not how it works." She felt herself shaking. "You're supposed to tell me these things."

Peter smiled gently. "Maybe, but at the time, it was the right decision to make."

"And cutting me out of your life the other week was right, too?"

"Maybe. I shouldn't have been so awful to you, but we're divorced, hon. That means our lives have to go separate ways. I can't rely on you like I would have before. It wouldn't be right, or fair."

The 'hon' cut like a knife and Elizabeth wasn't willing to give up on her anger yet. "What if I was sick? What if I needed you?"

Peter continued to give her that gentle, understanding smile. "If you needed me, I'd be there for you, immediately and without question. But if you chose not to say anything, I would have to respect that."

That took the wind out of her sails. "Why are you telling me now, though?"

"Diana came to see me."

"Ah. I guess she told you that we'd talked."

Peter nodded.

"She didn't say anything to me – other than giving me a not-too-subtle brush-off."

"It's more than just my illness." Peter got up and paced the room.

Another icy knot of worry formed in her stomach. "Peter?"

"I'm seeing someone."

Elizabeth blinked. "That … was the last thing I expected you to say." She took a deep breath and let the idea that her husband – no, her ex-husband – was romantically involved with someone else settle in her brain. And it felt … right. "That's wonderful – but this must be a very recent development."

"It is, in a way."

"In a way?"

"He's someone I knew a long time ago."

"And you've reconnected? How?"

"Through a whole lot of coincidences. He's Diana's boss and when they needed a new M&A advisor, she recommended me." Peter gave her an odd look, as if he was expecting a specific reaction.

"And you spotted him across a crowded conference room, fell into each other's arms and swore your undying love?" El winced – not only at the bad choice of words, but at her snarky tone.

Peter shook his head. "Not quite. We hadn't parted on the best of terms. I was an asshole to him."

Something in what Peter was saying started to ring bells in her memory, but she couldn't quite make the connection.

"So, he punched you in the face and you apologized, and then fell into each other's arms?"

"No. It turns out that he lives nearby. I went for a walk on Saturday – up by the park. I stopped in front of the San Remo and he was just getting home. He invited me up to his apartment and we talked."

The San Remo. All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. "You and Neal Caffrey."

Peter nodded.

"That son of a bitch! I poured my heart out to him and he's been playing me."

"El, El, calm down. He didn't know you were married to me. You never mentioned my name."

She thought back to the conversations she'd had with Neal. At their first meeting, at his apartment. Was it really possible she'd never mentioned Peter's first name? Then she remembered what Neal had told her that night. "You're the one who told him to take a hike, right? You and Neal Caffrey were housemates for three years and you told him that you really weren't friends."

Peter nodded. "I did to you what I'd done to him."

"And he's forgiven you? Just like that?"

"It wasn't just like that, El."

"It couldn't have been too difficult – I saw him a week ago Tuesday, Diana saw you on Wednesday, and you said you ran into him on Saturday afternoon. That was four days ago."

"Neal is a generous soul. Like you."

"Maybe he's playing you? Maybe he's stringing you along and is going to dump you just when it would hurt the most."

"No. If he wanted to do that, he could have destroyed me a long time ago. All he had to do was let the FBI know I'd been in a homosexual relationship. It was 1987 and that would have gotten me booted out of the Academy without question, and would have destroyed any chance I'd have for a career in finance. His feelings for me are honest. He held my head when I was heaving over the toilet – he could have just as easily let me drown in my own vomit."

Elizabeth wasn't so ready to believe Peter.

Peter read the skepticism on her face. "El, hon – he picked your company because he liked the name 'Burke Premier Events'. He had no clue we'd been married."

El sniffed. "He'd said he liked the website."

"I know. He told me that's what he'd said to you."

She felt her anger softening. "I guess he couldn't tell a stranger that he liked the name of my company because it reminded him of his old boyfriend. The one who'd dumped his ass and the one he was still in love with."

"That would be a little extreme."

"You know he still loves you?"

"Yeah, he was pretty clear about that. Something of a miracle." Peter looked at her, his expression almost awed. "I don't know if I deserve it."

"Does he make you happy?"

Peter nodded slowly. "Yeah."

"And do you love him?"

This time, he didn't answer so quickly.

"Peter?"

He still didn't answer.

"You don't love him?"

Peter smiled. "It's not that, El. I do. I always have. I loved him when I pushed him away and I've never stopped loving him. I just don't want you to think I didn't love you."

El didn't try to stop the twinge of hurt. Not because there was a part of Peter that had belonged to someone else, but that he never shared it with her. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I never wanted you to doubt me, El. I loved you, I never – ever – regretted the choice I made. Only the way I made it."

"Okay, okay." She licked her lips. "I can understand that. It still hurts a little, but it's not like I didn't know you had a past."

"I was a man-whore, and that didn't bother you one bit." Peter smiled.

"No, because that wasn't part of your present."

"And neither was Neal." Peter took her hand. "If we were still married, still in love, and I had met Neal again, I would have done my best to apologize, but as long as my heart belonged to you, it never would have gone beyond that."

El sighed. "I'm being silly, aren't I? I'm jealous over something that never happened when I should be pleased that you've found your own happiness at such a horrible time."

"It's okay – I'd probably feel the same if our positions were reversed."

She had to change the subject. "What happens now, with your treatment?"

"I have another chemo session next Monday, and a two-day break from the radiation. My hair will start falling out soon. I'm going to take disability leave; the last two days have been good, but I'll be back to full-time nausea with the next chemo session."

"Neal will be there, with you?"

"Yes."

"Can I come and keep you company, too?"

"I'd like that. But just warning you, it will be boring. I'll likely be sleeping for much of the time – between the antihistamine and the anti-nausea drugs. I might get cranky and I might get sick. Do you really want to watch me sleep, and then possibly watch me vomit?"

"I don't care." She tried to smile, but the reality of Peter's situation – his health and his new relationship – was overwhelming.

Peter asked, "Can I get a hug?"

Elizabeth flung herself into Peter's arms, holding him as tight as he was holding her. It had been a long time since they'd been this physically close, and it was so different now. Peter was bony and felt so frail, like she could squeeze the life out of him with just a little more effort.

Peter let her go and she pulled away, sad and yet a lot more settled than she'd been in a long time. After the divorce, she'd worked hard to maintain a good relationship with Peter, but there were always undercurrents, guilt, regret, shame. Those were gone, now.

The Peter Burke she was sitting next to was her ex-husband, but he was now truly her friend.

"Will you do a favor for me?"

"If I can."

"Neal wants to talk to you. Will you wait here until he comes over? "

Elizabeth took a deep breath and considered Peter's request. "No, I don't think so."

"He wants to apologize to you."

El nodded slowly. "Yes, he does owe me that, but you can tell him we're good. I just need some time. We can talk over the weekend."

"Okay. Would you mind waiting a moment and come down with me? I'd going to go see him."

"Now? Tonight?"

"He spent the last two nights here, I want to spend the night with him at his place, tonight. Besides, he has my dog. Our dog."

"You have a dog now, too? The both of you, together?"

"Yeah."

Peter left her standing there, bemused at all the changes. He wasn't gone long, just long enough to grab an overnight bag. "You sure you don't want to talk to Neal? You could come with me?"

"No, I don't think it will be such a good idea right now. You and Neal need to focus on yourselves. And you have my blessing – the both of you."

"Thank you."

He waited with her until her Uber arrived and as the car pulled away from the curb, Elizabeth almost regretted not going with Peter.

Almost.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Neal was grateful that Peter insisted he keep Lula with him today, explaining that the dog would be too much of a distraction from the conversation he needed to have with Elizabeth.

He paced. He stood. He poured a glass of wine and stared at it for an hour.

He sketched. And erased.

He paced some more.

Lula watched him with worried eyes, and when he sat down, she jumped onto the couch and draped herself over his lap.

Petting her helped, but it was only a band aid on his anxiety. He wasn't worried – okay, all that worried – about Elizabeth. She'd forgive him. It might take time, but she would.

He was worried about Peter and the conversation he was having with Elizabeth. When he'd asked Peter, point blank, if he still loved her, Peter had confessed that he didn't really know. But then as Peter worked through his emotions, he'd realized that he no longer had a romantic attachment to Elizabeth. But that didn't mean that Peter wouldn't turn to her – a safe and familiar harbor – if she offered.

Stop buying trouble.

But trouble, it seemed, was free today. Neal tried not to imagine all kinds of scenarios where he ended up alone and shattered again.

But you might very well end up alone. Peter might die.

Lula whimpered and licked at his face, picking up his distress. He wrapped his arms around the dog and tried to find some level of inner peace.

The shrillness of his ringing cellphone made that impossible, and when he saw the name on the display, Neal's hands shook so hard he almost couldn't answer the damn call.

"Peter?"

"Hey there."

"How did it go?"

"As well as you'd expect. I'm about to turn onto Central Park West, should be there in about ten minutes."

"Wait – you were going to call and let me know if it was okay to come over and talk with Elizabeth."

"She didn't want to see you. She's okay but she wants some time to process everything." Peter paused and Neal could hear the clop-clop of a horse and carriage. "I'll tell you everything when I get there, okay?"

"Okay. Can't wait to see you."

"Me, too."

Neal hung up and took a deep breath. He was relieved, but it was almost too painful to hope.

A few minutes later, Lula's ears perked up and Neal heard the arriving elevator chime. He got up and checked the video feed from the elevator's security camera. It was Peter.

He also had a duffle bag slung over his shoulder, and although his face wasn't tilted towards the camera, Neal was certain Peter was smiling.

The doors opened and Lula barked once before racing over to Peter. She wagged and whined ecstatically as Peter responded to her greeting. Their eyes met over the back of the wriggling dog and the last of Neal's worries disappeared.

Finally, Lula let up and bounded back into the living room, fully expecting her humans to follow without question. Peter had dropped his bag when Lula launched herself at him, and now he took off his jacket and handed it to Neal, who hung it up.

They still hadn't exchanged a word, and Neal didn't say anything until Peter dropped onto the couch. He could read the other man's exhaustion, but also his happiness.

"So?"

"You were right, I needed to talk to Elizabeth, to tell her the truth. And to apologize for being such a bastard."

"Did she understand?"

Peter nodded. "She's pissed at me for not telling her, but once I explained, she accepted my reasons. Not happily – of course."

Neal let out a breath. "Okay."

"What's going on with you? Why are you so worried?"

Neal felt himself flush. "It's silly, really. Irrational, even."

"Come on, tell me."

"I was afraid you and Elizabeth would get back together. That she'd want to take care of you and you'd want that, too."

"After everything I've told you? I pushed her away just so she wouldn't learn I was sick and insist on doing just that."

"You were married for a long time, you loved her for a long time. You're comfortable together."

"And Elizabeth wanted a divorce because she wanted her freedom. Freedom from that comfort, freedom from me." Peter's words were blunt – a very unvarnished truth. "I didn't want that before we'd met again, and I certainly don't want it now."

"Because you want me to take care of you?" Neal hated the whiny, needy note in his voice.

"I can take care of myself, Neal."

He was going to argue that point, but that really wasn't the what was at issue. "I'm sorry – I never expected to be this insecure."

"You have every reason to be."

Neal shook his head sharply. "No – this has nothing to do with what happened all of those years ago."

"I know, and that's not what I'm saying." Peter took a deep breath and cupped Neal's cheek. "You weren't shy about saying the words. You put yourself – your heart – on the line almost from the start, and I didn't hesitate to take advantage of that."

Neal objected, "You didn't take advantage, Peter."

"I did, because I didn't tell you the whole truth."

Neal was confused. "What do you mean?"

"Saturday night, I told you I'd broken us apart because I was afraid of falling in love with you. The truth was that I already loved you. I've always loved you and I always will."

Peter's hand was shaking; Neal could feel the vibrations through his own body. Or maybe that was his own heart pounding. He had hoped, but hearing those words healed the last wounds in his soul.

"I don't know how long I have – "

"None of us do."

Peter ignored that. "And the immediate future is going to be bleak and difficult and unpleasant. I'm not sure you're getting anything worth having."

"However long you have, I want to be with you. Weeks, months, and I hope many years – more years together than we've been apart. But even if … " Neal's breath caught on a sob. "If it's just a few lousy months, I want them all."

Peter's thumb brushed away his tears. "I want them, too. I wish I could be the man I was just a few months ago – strong and healthy, even for just a little while. I wish we could have those memories before the world caves in."

Neal knew what Peter was talking about. "I won't say that doesn't matter, because it does. But there's no reason why we have to hold ourselves apart. I want to sleep with my skin next to yours, I want your arms around me, I want to hold you – when everything is good and when it's all terrible. For however long we have." Neal couldn't stop the tears. He didn't care. Peter was crying, too.

Lula whimpered, joining in their distress, and tried to crawl into their laps. Neal wiped away the tears, and gave her a little affection.

The three of them calmed down and Peter leaned into him. Neal thought the moment was perfect and couldn't imagine being happier.

But he could. Peter was looking at him, love shining out of his eyes as he touched his face again, fingers ghosting over his lips. Then he kissed him.

Peter's lips were familiar from memories resurrected during long and lonely nights. They were gentle, almost tentative, and Neal took such joy in relearning the taste and feel of the man he'd loved for so long. And although it was difficult to miss the toll that illness had taken, there was strength there, too.

Neal threaded his fingers through Peter's hair, loving the rough silk feel of those short strands as he cupped the back of his skull. He knew that this was a sensation he'd need to savor, to remember, to hold fast to in the days and weeks to come.

Peter kissed him and he kissed Peter, and they feasted on each other, trying to sate a hunger that had been banked for too many years.

Neal could have kissed Peter until time ended, but Peter pulled away. He didn't go far, and his lips – a little swollen – were curved into a beautiful smile.

"Do you remember what you said to me, that day in my bedroom. The day you seduced me?"

Neal shook his head; he could barely remember his own name right now.

"You told me that kissing someone for the first time is like turning the corner and walking into paradise. Like finding something unexpected and realizing that it's exactly what you needed in your life."

Neal could hear his twenty-something self saying just that.

"You weren't quite right, though."

"Oh?"

"Kissing someone you love is like finding paradise. No, it is paradise."

"Yes, it absolutely is. I love you, Peter Burke."

"And I love you, Neal Caffrey, and I will, forever. However long that forever is."

FIN

"It Must Be Now (White Collar fic promo)" (Watch on YouTube)

Comments

[riverotter1951.livejournal.com]

More tissues please. I want a sequel with Neal and Peter living happily ever after with Lulu.

[elrhiarhodan]

Thank you!

I don't think you're alone in that sentiment.

[sheenianni.livejournal.com]

Gorgeous. What an amazing story.
Echoing river's sentiment - I'll imagine that they lived a long and happy life together.
Lovely fic.

[elrhiarhodan]

Thank you so very much. It was a hard story to write - at times very personal, but in the end, I was glad I finished it.

Thank you again for reading and letting me know how much you enjoyed it.

[hawk-soaring.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness. This was beautiful. *tears*

[elrhiarhodan]

{{{HUGS AGAIN}}}

This was one of the more difficult stories I've written, very personal at times. Thank you for reading and letting me know how much you enjoyed it.

[hawk-soaring.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness. This was beautiful. *tears*

[elrhiarhodan]

{{{{Hugs again}}}}

[daniel-shadow.livejournal.com]

I love this story. Beautifully told. Sequel please?

[elrhiarhodan]

Thank you so very much for letting me know you enjoyed this. I will definitely keep a timestamp in mind.

[frostfalcon.livejournal.com]

Very nicely handled... I also think that someday a follow up would be nice... Thanks for sharing!

[elrhiarhodan]

Thank you so very much for reading! I will certainly be keeping a timestamp in mind.

[kristophorios.livejournal.com]

Amazing....Sequel???

[elrhiarhodan]

Thank you! Will definitely think about a timestamp. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story.

[ladyrose42.livejournal.com]

I agree timestamp Yea for doggie. Some nice honest dialogue, even with Keller.

[elrhiarhodan]

Thank you! Will definitely think about a timestamp. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story.

[chicca01.livejournal.com]

it is an amazing story,  a couple of times I had tears in my eyes. I really hope to read about the new life of Peter, Neal and Lula together

[elrhiarhodan]

{{{HUGS}}}

I did go through quite a few tissues writing the last scene. I'm so glad you enjoyed this.

[pipilj.livejournal.com]

Lovely story. Everyone opened up so much abt there insecurities. I looking fwd to Peter and Neal spend many happy years ahead. Peter will have a much better chance with a support system.

[elrhiarhodan]

Thank you! If there was one part of the story that was truly out of character - it was the characters opening up about their insecurities. How many times did we wish that happened in canon?

Thank you so very much for taking this journey.

[palombaggia.livejournal.com]

Awww.
You did give them a dog.
This is perfect.
And Peter will get better and they will live until 96.
Yes.
With Moz and El and everyone.
Happy dance.
I think I love u.

[elrhiarhodan]

{{{{{{{{HUGS HARD}}}}}}}}

I smiled and snickered a little when I read your comment a few parts back about getting a dog for Peter. I knew you'd love Lula.

Thank you so very, very much.

[kanarek13]

Ah, my friend, you have slayed me once again in the very best way. Good thing I had stocked up on tissues recently.

This story is so, soooo amazing, such a difficult journey for the boys and with such an uncertain future and yet somehow you have left them in a good place ♥ Yes, now I crave those timestamps like air :D

Also, I think I'm in love with your Siegel, lol... and his extra large Trojans :P :P :P

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}} You give us the best treats ♥

[elrhiarhodan]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!

I didn't want to write a perfect ending, because life really is uncertain. But I'm not ruling out timestamps.

Also, as I'd told you - this is the anti-Wonder(ful) Years, so it couldn't have that perfect, all-is-well, ending.

{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[buefo.livejournal.com]

Loved this so much! So moving. I never know whether telling an author you want a sequel is a compliment or if it's demanding in an annoying way, so I'll refrain. ;) But thank you again for writing and sharing, and I already miss having a new part to read each night. <3

[elrhiarhodan]

Thank you!

I'll let you in on a sort-of secret - from the time I started writing this, I considered it the anti-Wonder(ful) Years. In fact, I wasn't even sure that Peter was going to survive.

However, as the story progressed, I did built a HEA into the story but when it came time to finish it, that HEA felt like it was too much of a cliche. So I decided to save it for a timestamp.

[keyne.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I'm glad to hear your potential timestamp is a HEA tale :-)

This was lovely. I was hoping for a little more hot sex at the end there, but what you gave us in Chapter 2 was smoldering!

[keyne.livejournal.com]

Oh -- I should also mention that I made the mistake of wading into Part 1 after midnight. It's now after 5 am, and I'm going to go greet my pillow and hope for happy P/N dreams!

[treonb.livejournal.com]

A beautiful story, and I really liked the ending. Very real, with an open future.

[elrhiarhodan]

Thank you so very, very much. Your artwork really added so much dimension to the story.

You were a pleasure to work with.

[treonb.livejournal.com]

Likewise :-)