White Collar Fic - Smooth Criminal
Jun. 21st, 2011 04:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elrhiarhodanTitle: Smooth Criminal
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
elrhiarhodan
Fandom: White Collar
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Neal Caffrey, Peter Burke, Peter/Neal
Spoilers: None
Warnings/Enticements/Triggers: Crack, and some smut. And wank!fic.
Word Count: ~ 1200
Summary: The criminal is not who you'd think it is.
Originally written forhoosierbitch’s Wankfest 2011, and inspired by rabidchild67, who has a thing for the word “underpants.” It was her comment about "underpants" being the funniest word in the English language that inspired the first of my MMOM fics this year, Guilty Stains, and this continues that story, from Neal’s very puzzled POV, in sentence’fest format.
__________________
Confusion
Neal didn’t quite understand how he kept losing his underpants – it wasn’t like he was leaving them anywhere – but he had exactly fourteen pair, enough for a week (because he was fastidious and he changed once a day, a relic of his time in prison, when he had to live in the same pair of shorts for seven days); and the missing boxer briefs troubled him; he began to wonder if someone in June’s household was nicking them, washing them and putting them back in his closet.
Suspicion
Neal knew all about kinks and fetishes – not that he really had any (okay, he had a few) – but he was a well-read man and he spent enough time with Mozzie to know all about strange sexual practices; not that he suspected Moz of taking his dirty underwear – his friend was more likely to paint himself in latex to avoid skin-to-skin contact – no, the culprit was someone he’d probably never suspect – like June; she certainly had hidden depths and she really did enjoy seeing him in her late husband’s clothes, so maybe she got off on his day-stained underpants too.
Suspicion II
A few discreet inquiries, some questions that would land him in the Social Engineers’ Hall of Fame (if there was such a thing) and he was able to eliminate June from the list of suspects, and the timing of the disappearance of his underpants eliminated Cindy, too; of course, Bugsy was just too small to get into his hamper, but he checked the pug’s bedding anyway, just to be certain.
Solution
He really hated to ask for help in solving the mystery of the missing underpants, but he had no choice; and Mozzie had just the technology to help him crack the case – namely the webcams he had set up to monitor the treasure – and while Moz was willing to help, he spent the afternoon griping about the indignity of repurposing the equipment – once used to watch over billions of dollars worth of loot - to find out who was filching his dirty laundry.
Supposition
Neal monitored “underpants cam” – which was really four cameras – one in the hamper (activated when the lid was lifted), one on the door frame, one hidden in the towel bar and the last one strategically disguised as a tube of toothpaste – on an hourly basis; but three weeks went by without any underwear going missing, or anyone showing up on the video feed; Neal supposed that his thief had gotten wind of the cameras and decided to move onto more fruitful territory, which sort of depressed him – he found that he kind of liked the idea of someone stealing his intimate apparel and he jerked himself off at night imagining just what the thief was doing with them.
Vacation
Peter came back from a two week vacation with Elizabeth – they went to Jamaica – it was a last-minute thing, they both looked tan and fit and happy, and Neal was relieved to have things back to normal – not that working directly for Hughes was THAT much of a hardship – but he missed Peter, who seemed to miss him too – since he showed up at the apartment the second night after his return with a rather decent bottle of wine and a pile of case files (El was up to her neck in client meetings).
Comprehension
Neal didn’t keep the underpants cams active when he was home – why would he monitor his own visits to his own bathroom, but when a pair of his briefs went missing the morning after Peter’s visit – he only counted them the following night because he was doing his laundry – the culprit seemed obvious.
Cogitation
Neal puzzled over this – it didn’t make sense that would Peter steal his underpants, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to think about what Peter was doing with them, but that first night after all the pieces fell into place, he couldn’t help himself, and he rubbed not one, not two, but three hard ones off to the images of Peter sniffing and biting at his dirty, day-worn briefs, using them in his own masturbatory fantasies.
Confrontation
Neal made a visit to the bookstore during lunch, and found just what he wanted in the kids section; he had it gift wrapped and considered just leaving it on Peter’s desk – but since the missing dirty underware was just a little too strange a situation, one that should really be creepy, but instead aroused him almost unbearably – Neal asked Peter to lunch at their favorite burger place instead, and he reserved a corner table with some privacy), and just enough light so he could clearly see Peter’s expression when Neal busted him.
Confrontation II
Everything went according to Neal’s plan (and why wouldn’t it – Neal was a master planner, as well as a masturbator), and while they were waiting for the check, Neal handed Peter the gift; Peter was pleased – at first – then puzzled for just long enough that Neal had to wonder if he was wrong about his underpants thief – but then Peter’s face took on a bright red hue and he licked his lips, and Neal knew he had his man; all that was left was to figure out why.
Interrogation
And yet, at this moment, he couldn’t bring himself to out Peter and his petty larceny – and he almost regretted tipping his hand and letting him know that he knew – but he had no choice now, he had to go forward; and so he asked the simplest question he could, “Why?”
Confession
Peter hung his head in shame, and Neal reached out – he hadn’t wanted to hurt Peter, he was too dear to him for that – and if Peter needed his underpants to fulfill something within him, then maybe it would be best if they just dropped it; but as Neal opened his mouth, Peter said something that rocked his world – “I love you, and I can’t help myself.”
Questions
Several things flashed through Neal’s brain – how wonderful (because he certainly loved Peter too), he was SOOO in trouble (because Neal couldn’t even begin to imagine Peter cheating on El, with him) and what did Peter really do with his dirty underpants, so he asked, he had to.
Humiliation
Peter looked up, a suddenly sharp and predatory look in his eyes – all traces of embarrassment gone, and Peter turned the tables on him, asking why he wasn’t disgusted at this behavior; Neal was now the one who was busted – now the one in the hot seat, and all he could say was “when I think about what you’re doing with my dirty underpants, I … I get…” and Neal couldn’t continue, it was too damn embarrassing.
Situation
Neal watched as Peter tucked the book, “The Adventures of Captain Underpants” into his pocket, paid the bill and got up; Neal followed suit and they walked back to Federal Plaza without a word; but as they got into the elevator, Peter didn’t press the button for the 21st floor, instead, he swiped an access card and they went to the archive subfloors, where Neal knew they’d have all the privacy (and dust) that they needed.
Carnal Relations
Peter steered him deep into the archives after waving off the security at the front desk, and Neal trembled with desire, with fear, with anticipation; and thankfully he didn’t have to wait long; Peter pinned him with his hips against the file boxes and leaned in close, whispering, before he nipped Neal’s earlobe – “yeah, I’ve stolen your underpants, I shoot my load into them and El washes them for me and I put them back when I can – you want to make something of it, Caffrey?”
Satisfaction
To his utter shock and his complete delight, Peter undid his belt, shoved a hand down his pants and slowly jacked him off, all the while tormenting him with such unexpectedly filthy talk that Neal thought his brain would short circuit; and as he came, he wondered how much luckier could he – or his underpants – get.
FIN
Author:
elrhiarhodan Fandom: White Collar
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Neal Caffrey, Peter Burke, Peter/Neal
Spoilers: None
Warnings/Enticements/Triggers: Crack, and some smut. And wank!fic.
Word Count: ~ 1200
Summary: The criminal is not who you'd think it is.
Originally written for
hoosierbitch’s Wankfest 2011, and inspired by rabidchild67, who has a thing for the word “underpants.” It was her comment about "underpants" being the funniest word in the English language that inspired the first of my MMOM fics this year, Guilty Stains, and this continues that story, from Neal’s very puzzled POV, in sentence’fest format.Confusion
Neal didn’t quite understand how he kept losing his underpants – it wasn’t like he was leaving them anywhere – but he had exactly fourteen pair, enough for a week (because he was fastidious and he changed once a day, a relic of his time in prison, when he had to live in the same pair of shorts for seven days); and the missing boxer briefs troubled him; he began to wonder if someone in June’s household was nicking them, washing them and putting them back in his closet.
Suspicion
Neal knew all about kinks and fetishes – not that he really had any (okay, he had a few) – but he was a well-read man and he spent enough time with Mozzie to know all about strange sexual practices; not that he suspected Moz of taking his dirty underwear – his friend was more likely to paint himself in latex to avoid skin-to-skin contact – no, the culprit was someone he’d probably never suspect – like June; she certainly had hidden depths and she really did enjoy seeing him in her late husband’s clothes, so maybe she got off on his day-stained underpants too.
Suspicion II
A few discreet inquiries, some questions that would land him in the Social Engineers’ Hall of Fame (if there was such a thing) and he was able to eliminate June from the list of suspects, and the timing of the disappearance of his underpants eliminated Cindy, too; of course, Bugsy was just too small to get into his hamper, but he checked the pug’s bedding anyway, just to be certain.
Solution
He really hated to ask for help in solving the mystery of the missing underpants, but he had no choice; and Mozzie had just the technology to help him crack the case – namely the webcams he had set up to monitor the treasure – and while Moz was willing to help, he spent the afternoon griping about the indignity of repurposing the equipment – once used to watch over billions of dollars worth of loot - to find out who was filching his dirty laundry.
Supposition
Neal monitored “underpants cam” – which was really four cameras – one in the hamper (activated when the lid was lifted), one on the door frame, one hidden in the towel bar and the last one strategically disguised as a tube of toothpaste – on an hourly basis; but three weeks went by without any underwear going missing, or anyone showing up on the video feed; Neal supposed that his thief had gotten wind of the cameras and decided to move onto more fruitful territory, which sort of depressed him – he found that he kind of liked the idea of someone stealing his intimate apparel and he jerked himself off at night imagining just what the thief was doing with them.
Vacation
Peter came back from a two week vacation with Elizabeth – they went to Jamaica – it was a last-minute thing, they both looked tan and fit and happy, and Neal was relieved to have things back to normal – not that working directly for Hughes was THAT much of a hardship – but he missed Peter, who seemed to miss him too – since he showed up at the apartment the second night after his return with a rather decent bottle of wine and a pile of case files (El was up to her neck in client meetings).
Comprehension
Neal didn’t keep the underpants cams active when he was home – why would he monitor his own visits to his own bathroom, but when a pair of his briefs went missing the morning after Peter’s visit – he only counted them the following night because he was doing his laundry – the culprit seemed obvious.
Cogitation
Neal puzzled over this – it didn’t make sense that would Peter steal his underpants, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to think about what Peter was doing with them, but that first night after all the pieces fell into place, he couldn’t help himself, and he rubbed not one, not two, but three hard ones off to the images of Peter sniffing and biting at his dirty, day-worn briefs, using them in his own masturbatory fantasies.
Confrontation
Neal made a visit to the bookstore during lunch, and found just what he wanted in the kids section; he had it gift wrapped and considered just leaving it on Peter’s desk – but since the missing dirty underware was just a little too strange a situation, one that should really be creepy, but instead aroused him almost unbearably – Neal asked Peter to lunch at their favorite burger place instead, and he reserved a corner table with some privacy), and just enough light so he could clearly see Peter’s expression when Neal busted him.
Confrontation II
Everything went according to Neal’s plan (and why wouldn’t it – Neal was a master planner, as well as a masturbator), and while they were waiting for the check, Neal handed Peter the gift; Peter was pleased – at first – then puzzled for just long enough that Neal had to wonder if he was wrong about his underpants thief – but then Peter’s face took on a bright red hue and he licked his lips, and Neal knew he had his man; all that was left was to figure out why.
Interrogation
And yet, at this moment, he couldn’t bring himself to out Peter and his petty larceny – and he almost regretted tipping his hand and letting him know that he knew – but he had no choice now, he had to go forward; and so he asked the simplest question he could, “Why?”
Confession
Peter hung his head in shame, and Neal reached out – he hadn’t wanted to hurt Peter, he was too dear to him for that – and if Peter needed his underpants to fulfill something within him, then maybe it would be best if they just dropped it; but as Neal opened his mouth, Peter said something that rocked his world – “I love you, and I can’t help myself.”
Questions
Several things flashed through Neal’s brain – how wonderful (because he certainly loved Peter too), he was SOOO in trouble (because Neal couldn’t even begin to imagine Peter cheating on El, with him) and what did Peter really do with his dirty underpants, so he asked, he had to.
Humiliation
Peter looked up, a suddenly sharp and predatory look in his eyes – all traces of embarrassment gone, and Peter turned the tables on him, asking why he wasn’t disgusted at this behavior; Neal was now the one who was busted – now the one in the hot seat, and all he could say was “when I think about what you’re doing with my dirty underpants, I … I get…” and Neal couldn’t continue, it was too damn embarrassing.
Situation
Neal watched as Peter tucked the book, “The Adventures of Captain Underpants” into his pocket, paid the bill and got up; Neal followed suit and they walked back to Federal Plaza without a word; but as they got into the elevator, Peter didn’t press the button for the 21st floor, instead, he swiped an access card and they went to the archive subfloors, where Neal knew they’d have all the privacy (and dust) that they needed.
Carnal Relations
Peter steered him deep into the archives after waving off the security at the front desk, and Neal trembled with desire, with fear, with anticipation; and thankfully he didn’t have to wait long; Peter pinned him with his hips against the file boxes and leaned in close, whispering, before he nipped Neal’s earlobe – “yeah, I’ve stolen your underpants, I shoot my load into them and El washes them for me and I put them back when I can – you want to make something of it, Caffrey?”
Satisfaction
To his utter shock and his complete delight, Peter undid his belt, shoved a hand down his pants and slowly jacked him off, all the while tormenting him with such unexpectedly filthy talk that Neal thought his brain would short circuit; and as he came, he wondered how much luckier could he – or his underpants – get.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-06-22 07:21 am (UTC)Why is it I never realized how funny that word was before?
I LOVED this. Neal on the Case of the Boxer Briefs Bandit was hilarious. I can just imagine the look on Mozzie's face when Neal explained what was going on. And Neal narrowing down the suspect list and Peter never even crossing his mind until the last possible moment was awesome.
In the archives? Those naughty, boys. ♥
no subject
Date: 2011-06-24 12:40 am (UTC)Those naughty boys, there are so, well, naughty.