Pardon Me ... A Small Holiday Season Rant

[elrhiarhodan]

For the record, I hate Christmas music. Which has nothing to do with the fact that I don't celebrate the holiday. What I hate is the false cheer. The hypocritical message of peace and good will peddled by those who believe in anything but that. The sanctimonious imagery of a Norman Rockwell America that never existed. And most of all, the simply bad music and lyrics - bubble gum pop Auto-Tuned to bland sameness.

In other words, "Home for the Holidays." An Anti-Classic. First demortalized by Mr. Bland himself, Perry Como, then punishingly covered by The Carpenters - it's this latter version that will (if anything could) set my mind to murder and mayhem. Uber-perky (and apparently perked up on pills) Karen Carpenter trippingly sings (is that what that's called?) about how "the traffic is terrific!". Words cannot express how much I loathe and despise this recording - which, for some unfathomable reason - is played every hour on every radio station in America (even the All Talk - All The Time ones). This horror is inescapable - it's like a swiftly moving mass of sewage, creeping through even the most tightly sealed portals.

My nightmare is this - although I don't own (and certainly never will) any version of this travesty, I fear that it will somehow infect my iPod, and all 26,000+ songs will become "Home for the Holidays." Or that I'll put a CD in to play in my car, and you guessed it - that's the only song on the disc. I'll end up killing myself as I try to jump out of the moving vehicle. Anything but having to listen to Karen and/or Perry sing about the idiot from Tennesee trying to get to Pennsylvania.

As much as I loathe most American Christmas music, I actually love the old English Christmas carols. My favorite is O Come, O Come Emmanuel, which is seems more Jewish than Christian (ignoring, of course, the line "God's Dear Son"). The best rendition is the one by the King's College Choir, Cambridge. There is a section when the choir divides into six or seven part harmony (with the organ playing descant in the background), and my heart nearly stops from the perfect beauty. This recording was on an album I got from the Musical Heritage Society (probably vinyl) back in the early 1980s (I remember listening to it in college), which has been plundered for a sort of "Best of..." version that now includes some of the minor horrors of the season.

Anyway - whatever holiday shopping I need to do, I'll be doing on line, and when I have to venture out into the Danger Zone (i.e., a mall or chain store), I'll have my earbuds tightly screwed in and something a little more pleasant playing, say John Cage's 4'33".

Oh, and Happy Holidays

Comments

[toomuchfandom.livejournal.com]

I'll direct you to a christmas song that'll guaranteed a laugh, if you know Twin Peaks. 12 days of Christmas, Twin Peaks style (http://www.glastonberrygrove.net/texts/tp12days.html) You can also download the song there *giggles*

[elrhiarhodan]

Thank you...will check it out. But it better not give me an earworm!

[toomuchfandom.livejournal.com]

are you kidding? It's hilarious!

[rabidchild67.livejournal.com]

Ach, I know what you mean. I am constantly derided this time of year for my loathing of Christmas music. Except for maybe that one song about the Grinch, I hate them all, in particular Christmas compilations by crappy pop artists. No, Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey and Justin Fucking Bieber, I don't want to hear your particular take on Merry Christmas, Baby. GO AWAY.

Ironically, I love this time of year, I love the tradition and the celebrating with friends and family, and most of the cartoons (Rudolph again? Sign me up!). It's just the music I despise with a white-hot passion that kills.

The song that sets my my teeth on edge is Jingle Bell Rock, a tune that neither jingles nor rocks. Who wrote that crap?

[photoash.livejournal.com]

:) I'm sure it won't be a surprise that I love Christmas songs <3 all the traditional old songs <3 stuff that we sang in church or my mom played on vinyl etc :) The little drummer boy is my favorite ( the Harry Simone Choir rendition)

[queenaeron.livejournal.com]

See, I love ALL Christmas music. I just downloaded the Glee Christmas music. But I know I'm a mutant! :-) But I do have to admit my favorites are the classical carols, Hallelujah Chorus (which is both a bitch and a job to sing) and the one you mentioned. But my absolute favorite Christmas song is O Holy Night, but it has to be sung by a trained opera singer, like Pavarotti or one of those guys. It is so beautiful when song right.

[surreal-44.livejournal.com]

I hate pop Christmas music. I hate anti-Christmas music. I especially though, hate Frosty the Snowman.

I hate him. I hate Rudolph. And I hate the crappy stop-motion movies. I have always, always, always hated them. ALWAYS.

But I love the old carols. I love Baroque Christmas music. I love the Transiberian Orchestra. And I like this one piece of music called "Gloria" by uh...some Christian singer. Michael Smith or something.

But I tend to hate all schmoopy Christmas songs. "All I want for Christmas" is for someone to never, never, never play that song again. Ever. :-D

Take care!

[daniel-shadow.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah everywhere they are playing the same songs over and over and over gain.

[crism79.livejournal.com]

Old Christmas Carols are underrated these days... a shame because they are truly beautiful :)))

[gnomi.livejournal.com]

I find that the Christmas music I find most beautiful is also the most religious, but that's also the music I'm least likely to want to sing.

[krystalicekitsu.livejournal.com]

Three years of working Macy's seasonal retail HELL and I can't STAND to hear Christmas music which is sort of bad, since my other job is singing for a church and one of my biggest days is Christmas Eve, with, you know, lots of Christmasy type songs.

I will agree that the green-book type songs are better than the pop-cheery crap.

Although songs like 'Hark! How the Bells' and 'All I Want for Christmas is You' (but that's mostly because I love Mariah Carey's voice) are a sweet addiction of mine.
Oh, and anything gospel/soul. But again, this is just my ridiculous affection for good music. :3

Really though, they need to stop playing the same ten songs non-stop in every freaking store from here to Sydney. No kidding.

If I run into Christmas carols in Hawai'i I might just kill something.

[toomuchfandom.livejournal.com]

I usually listen to Christmas songs, and I'm a big fan of Glee, but the only song I really love on it is Lea Michele's version of Oh Holy Night... the other songs give me nightmares!

[krystalicekitsu.livejournal.com]

OH! Almost forgot- You want a funny X-mas song, you need to check out Straight No Chaser's 'The 12 Days of Christmas' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kYEK-pxs_A) because it is made of awesome.

[leavingslowly.livejournal.com]

I hear you. I love Greensleaves, and hate all other Christmas songs. If I never heard Silent Night again it would be too soon.

[coffeethyme4me.livejournal.com]

"...it's like a swiftly moving mass of sewage, creeping through even the most tightly sealed portals."

ROTFLMAO!

Funnily enough, even though I don't identify as Christian (and have an unnatural love for quite a few of my Jewish friends), I like the Christian ones the best. The Oh Holy Nights, the Silent Nights, the Aways in the Manger. I grew up in an extremely liberal Christian church called the Disciples of Christ which really was just about trying to be nice to one another, and those songs remind me of that loving community I was a part of for a brief time. (I prefer the instrumental versions, though.)

All the rest pretty much piss me off, too.

I feel your pain, Elr.

[coffeethyme4me.livejournal.com]

OMFGyouricon!!!!!

[coffeethyme4me.livejournal.com]

Word.

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

I may have just the antidote to all that false cheer - sad Christmas songs. For starters, here's Judy Garland singing to Margaret O'Brien and bringing tears to the wee tyke's eyes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5g4lY8Y3eoo

Then try the original Bing Crosby recording of I'll Be Home for Christmas, forever associated with homesick soldiers. I like this one set to a surrealistic, Guy Maddenesque video of Canadian home movies:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5g4lY8Y3eoo

Traditional carols also have their moments, above all the Coventry Carol with its haunting Picardy thirds at the end of each heartwrenching verse. Hard to find a good combination of sound and image, but there's this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5g4lY8Y3eoo

"And in despair I bowed my head. "There is no peace on earth," I said, "for hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth, goodwill to men." Longfellow, embittered by family tragedy, finds hope in the bells.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-EfxNj2oIQ

Oh, I could go on and on. I think the melancholy Christmas songs are actually my favorites.

PS: You've seen the symphonic arrangement of 4'33", I hope? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUJagb7hL0E

[toomuchfandom.livejournal.com]

ohhh I know:D I snatched it from somewhere:D

[elrhiarhodan]

I do love the old stop motion cartoons...and even the songs that went with them.

Right now, I've got Holly Jolly Christmas ringing in my ears...and I'm voluntarily doing long division to get rid of it.

[lionessvalenti.livejournal.com]

The hypocritical message of peace and good will peddled by those who believe in anything but that.

To be fair, not all Christians are judgmental people who spew hate. Many of them, I'd even dare to say most of them, really do believe in the good will and peace message of Christmas music. They're just not the ones with national television programs, or those who picket ridiculous things with horribly offensive signs that gather lots of media attention.

That said, I'm not a big fan of Christmas music. I'm not even a huge fan of Christmas in general. Usually a couple days beforehand, I get a little into the spirit, but the whole mad dash for presents and what not, has never been for me. And in the last five years or so, I haven't been able to afford gifts anyway. But I like the family time. Everyone sits back and takes a break together. My family's really close, so it's nice to just hang out with good food and wine and enjoy each other's company.

I can't listen to pop stations over Christmas. Ugh, all Christmas music all the time. Though, I have to say, I adore Christmas movies and will watch them all year 'round. Even musicals (I'm looking at you, Muppet Christmas Carol!).

[elrhiarhodan]

I do love the original Little Drummer Boy, and even the duet between Bing and David Bowie.

(Love your icon!)

[elrhiarhodan]

I am a fanatic for the Hallelujah Chorus - I did the whole Messiah every year in college - and not as a sing-a-long. Talk about exhausting!

I'm not as fond of O Holy Night, but it is a beautiful piece of music - and the Pavorotti version is magnificent.

[elrhiarhodan]

"All I want for Christmas" is for someone to never, never, never play that song again. Ever.

Yeah - the commercial Christmas music, and even a lot of the old standards, I could live without ever hearing again. A truly "silent night" would be nice.

Which is why I like shopping in Target - they DON'T play xmas music...ever.

[elrhiarhodan]

Exactly. One year, it felt like I was being following by Home for the Holidays...every freakin' store - even the damned post office!