White Collar Fic - It's Not For Me (The Honesty Triptych - Panel 2)

[elrhiarhodan]

Title: It’s Not For Me
Author: elrhiarhodan 
Fandom: White Collar
Rating: R
Characters/Pairings: Peter Burke/Neal Caffrey (Pre-Slash)
Spoilers: Out of The Box, All of Season Two, So Far
Warnings/Triggers:
Word Count: ~ 1000
Summary: We change ourselves for the ones we love.

Written for afiawri, for the iTunes Song Number Meme. She gave me #7163, which is It’s Not For Me by Dougie MacLean, on his album Inside The Thunder.  This started as a one-shot, but quickly developed into a three-part series, The Honesty Triptych.  This is Panel 2.  Panel 1 is My Dog and Panel 3 is Fortune.

____________________

It’s Not For Me
And it’s not for me
That I’m trying to say what I mean
It’s not for me that I’m changing
the way I have been
It’s not for me that believing
flies into the light

The first time Neal is completely honest with Peter passes by without comment, since Peter doesn’t even realize it. It is only when he gets home and goes through the mental process of breaking down the day does he realize what happened. While Neal claims he’s never outright lied – you’d need a very sharp scalpel to parse the truth from some of the evasions and red herrings and misdirection that Neal’s thrown in his path. Peter thinks about what Neal told him, and he tries to find a motive for his partner’s utter candor. Not that what he’s told Peter is particularly momentous…that while he never graduated high school, he did get his GED. They had been arguing – well more like friendly banter with untipped fencing blades – and Peter needles him about his lack of a high school diploma. Neal shoots back that he has made every effort to improve himself, and took the exam during his first six months in prison.

Their discussion ends abruptly when Hughes comes in to drag Peter into a budget meeting (always a budget meeting, never anything interesting anymore), and Peter doesn’t give Neal’s statement another thought. Until he sits down to a lonely meal in an empty house and wonders at Neal’s motives, and the more he thinks about it, the more he’s convinced that Neal is slightly ashamed at his lack of formal education. He knows that Neal doesn’t compare himself to Jones or Diana or even the departed Cruz. Neal compares himself to Peter and he hates to see himself lacking.

Over the weeks and months that follow, Peter begins to wonder if he’s living in a funhouse, except that all the mirrors are completely normal – it’s the objects that they’re reflecting that are bizarre. Neal’s embarked on a campaign of complete honesty – he tells Peter what he’s doing to find who killed Kate (and who may still be trying to kill him). He shows Peter the cherub that Alex gave him – it’s obviously the key he needs to get into the box’s secret compartment. And Peter feels like a Judas goat. Peter’s had every opportunity to tell him that Diana’s got the box, but every time he tries, the words fail.

Peter finally talks about the problem with El (he’s reluctant to even mention the music box to her), and she smiles at him in that womanly wise way of her. She just says that Neal wants his trust, and the only what he’s going to get that is if he’s completely honest with Peter. Then that smile becomes pure mischief and Peter begins to worry.

Peter notices other, more subtle changes in Neal. Less grandstanding, more obedience (a word he’d never thought to associate with Caffrey. Neal’s brilliance still shines, and they still work together like a hand in glove, but there’s something there, something that Peter just can’t put his finger on.

El’s out of town on another major project and the thought of sharing a pre-cooked dinner with the dog is downright depressing. Peter has to laugh, since this is just what El must have felt during the years of their marriage when he was on the road so often. He grabs a six-pack, a bottle of better wine (probably bought at Neal’s suggestion) and heads to Neal’s apartment. This is probably the worst idea of all, certainly Havisham’s there and everything will be awkward – but it’s killing him. And this evening may kill their friendship because he’s going to tell Neal the truth.

---

Peter’s wrong, Moz isn’t at the apartment. It’s just Neal, alone with his thoughts and his desires. He wonders why he didn’t ask Peter over for a drink or out for a meal. Actually, he knows exactly why. It wasn’t food or wine he wants. It’s the fucking music box and Peter. And not necessarily in that order.

He’s tried to show Peter that he can be trusted. He’s dropped the half-truths and evasions; he’s followed Peter’s lead and stopped with his own personal agenda. He’s been open and honest and for his pains, Peter gives him lie after lie after lie. At first, he didn’t’ want to believe that Peter had the box, but six months ago, Moz brought him incontrovertible proof that the box that was transferred to OPR was the exact same box that Diana had logged into evidence. That means that Peter had to have taken the box from Fowler when he shot him. Neal’s thoughts scurry away from that – he doesn’t want to think about Peter using his gun, Peter thinking to kill someone to protect him.

So, Neal sits there alone, toying with the bronze d’or cherub, wondering if he should just confront his friend. Yes – he is his friend, and he’s just trying to protect Neal – which makes everything so damn sad. Because what Neal wants, what he has transformed himself into is something that could well destroy everything.

A sharp rap on his door interrupts his maudlin reverie. It’s not June and it’s not Moz, which means that it’s Peter and Neal wonders if he’s summoned him by the power of his own thoughts. He’s tempted not to answer it, but Peter knows that Neal’s inside. Not only because he can just call up Neal’s location on his phone now, but June’s housekeeper wouldn’t let him up if Neal wasn’t there. Neal moves like an old man, as if his just tired of life, and opens the door.

They stand there, on opposite sides of the threshold and Neal knows that either everything begins tonight, or everything ends.

FIN