White Collar Ficlet - Can’t You See My Heart Burnin’ In My Hands?

[elrhiarhodan]

Title: Can’t You See My Heart Burnin’ In My Hands?
Author: elrhiarhodan
Rating: R
Fandom: White Collar
Characters/Pairings:  Clinton Jones (first person POV)
Spoilers: None
Warnings/Enticements/Triggers: None
Word Count: ~500
Summary: Unrequited love. A fill from the prompt “Heart On My Sleeve” provided by asimaiyat  during the last promptfest held at my journal.

Title taken from the Annie Lennox song "Wonderful."

______________________

Love is such an ephemeral thing.

I've been in love dozens of times. First time was pretty Lucille Denton during my senior year - I gave her my class ring at the Homecoming Dance, but she gave it back to me six weeks later when she decided that dating the captain of the football team was a lot more glamorous than the captain of the debate team. To be honest, my heart wasn't precisely broken. I wouldn't have minded dating Brad myself.

In college, there were a lot of smart girls and boys and I think I fell in love at least once a month. Anna and Annika and Arno and Alvin, at least two Allisons and even an Ace. My roommate commented, on more than one occasion that if I planned on working my way through the alphabet, I needed to move beyond the "a's". It was kind of funny, and I deliberately went out of my way to date a Stephanie and a Zack just to prove that I wasn't a little hooked on the letter "A".

Truthfully, I loved everyone I was with - I enjoyed their company, and being within them made my heart sing for a little while. We always parted company on excellent terms and remained best of friends. You know that awkwardness you get when you run into an old girlfriend or boyfriend? Not with me - the year I turned 21, all my old loves threw me a party and it was one of the best nights of my life.

It would be bragging to say that my first three years at Harvard were charmed. But they were - good friends, smart people, intense competition to thrive on, and my application to Harvard Law all but rubber stamped "accepted."

Then I met her...and I finally understood what love really was. It was pain and longing and wanting everything to be perfect. It was not about me...it was about her and what I could do to make her happy. Zach, who remained a fuck-buddy, gleefully commented about my fall. And truthfully, I was like a dog with his tongue hanging out whenever I saw her. Tall and slim, cheekbones like knives and a perfect nose. And attitude - she was sweet to all the girls, but she never looked at me. Or if she did, there was none of the admiration I was accustomed to, particularly from freshmen.

Annika, who was had heard about my problem came over with one of the Allisons, and they were merciless about how wonderful it was that the tables had finally turned on me. Half a box of condoms later, Annika finally told me that no matter how much I wore my heart on my sleeve, my love would never give me the time of day (or night, for that matter). She preferred girls, and would never be interested in a switch-hitting player like me. That hurt, and hurt bad.

It took the rest of the box of condoms to get Allison to tell me her name.

It was Diana.