elrhiarhodan

Title: (No) Recriminations
Author:

elrhiarhodan
Fandom: White Collar
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Diana Berrigan, Christie, Theo Berrigan, OFC, former Diana/Christie
Spoilers: S3.03 – Deadline, S4.05 – Honor Among Thieves, S5.02 – Out of the Frying Pan
Warnings/Enticements/Triggers: None
Word Count: ~1300
Beta Credit:

sinfulslasher
Summary: As she's recuperating from Theo's birth, Diana finally gets some closure with Christie. Or does she?

A/N: Originally written for

purimgifts back in March, 2015. It was posted anon to AO3, but I never reposted to my Journal. This fic celebrates a strong woman.

__________________

Everyone finally left her hospital room, which had started to feel like Grand Central Station. Peter and Elizabeth, Jones and a bunch of colleagues from the office. Neal and Mozzie.

Her mother.

It wasn't quite an overstatement to say that Diana had never been as grateful for anyone as she'd been to the nurse who all but dragged her mother out of the room when visiting hours ended.

Diana loved her mother, she couldn't ask for a better parent. Her mother hadn't blinked when Diana came out to her when she was seventeen and terrified. Her mother had her back when she told her father that she wasn't following him into the diplomatic corps, but was going to be an FBI agent. Her mother had been thrilled when she'd announced her engagement to Christie and been a sympathetic shoulder when they'd broken up.

Her mother had been thrilled beyond words when Diana said she was pregnant.

And two days after giving birth, her mother was driving her crazy, barely letting her hold her own child, force-feeding her parenting advice, smothering her with good intentions.

Diana understood, she really did. Her mother was a wonderful human being. Loving and kind and generous. She had never expected grandchildren, so little Theo was, in his grandmother's eyes, a gift from god.

But Diana was exhausted. Giving birth in an underground access tunnel with Mozzie as her midwife, without the benefits of modern medicine (or more precisely, without an epidural), left her in less that optimal condition to deal with her mother's overwhelming need to mother.

But all was quiet now. Theo was back in the hospital nursery, the lights were dim, and even the noise from the hallway had receded. As tired as she was, Diana couldn't sleep. Her brain refused to turn off.

She found herself thinking about the strangest things – her days at the FBI Academy, her high school graduation, the first time she pulled her gun. Nothing logically related to anything, just random thoughts buzzing around her brain.

The door opened, sending a shaft of light into the room. It wasn't a nurse coming to check her vitals, but a doctor. And not just any doctor. Her former girlfriend – lover – partner – fiancée – was in her room. Diana recognized her by the scent of her perfume, Chanel No. 5.

"Christie?"

"I hope I didn't wake you."

"No, I wasn't sleeping. Can't seem to relax" Diana sat up. There was enough light coming from the hallway that she could see her ex-girlfriend standing at her bedside, hands shoved into the pockets of her white coat, a stethoscope draped around her neck. Diana's heart ached a little. "I guess you heard."

"Yeah." Christie took a deep breath. "To be honest, I was a little shocked."

Diana wasn't surprised. "Of course you were."

"You said you didn't want children." Christie's tone was ripe with accusation.

"At the time, I didn't."

"But less than six months after we split, you got pregnant. I have to wonder."

"About what?"

"About your timing and your real reasons for why we split."

An all-too-familiar feeling of inadequacy rose in Diana. Christie was the only one who could make her feel that way. "I don't owe you any explanations. We wanted different things."

"Yeah – I wanted a family and a wife. You wanted to be a badass FBI agent. Looks like neither of us are going to get what we want."

"I'm still a badass FBI agent."

Christie made that sound, that annoyed little sniff that always irritated the hell out of Diana. "You think it'll be so easy – have a kid, get a nanny, go back to your busy life. Your days are numbered. You really think everything's going to be the same when you have a kid in tow?"

Diana wasn't going to go down without a fight. "Do you really think you have the right to stand there and lecture me? We didn't break up just because you wanted a fancy spare-no-expense wedding with matching frou-frou wedding gowns and a house in the suburbs and two-point-three children. You wanted me to give up my career to be a stay-at-home mom because you were the big-shot doctor with the half-million dollar education to pay for. You wanted me to forget about everything I fought so hard to be to cater to your expectations. You were behaving like a selfish bitch and I was done with that."

Christie fired back. "I moved to New York for you. I left my family and friends behind for you. You owed me."

"I owned you nothing. It was your choice to move to New York. I didn't hold a gun to your head."

"No, but you came home and announced that you were moving back to New York to work for your old boss. You didn't ask me if I wanted to relocate. You just expected me to follow."

"You could have said no," Diana shouted. "You could have stayed in D.C."

Christie shouted back, "I loved you."

"Some love. You suffocated me with your expectations."

"I shouldn't have come here."

"No, you shouldn't have. Why the hell did you?"

"I wanted to see you. I guess that was a mistake."

Diana sighed, exhaustion overtaking her. "It was. We said our goodbyes over a year ago, there's no need to reopen old wounds."

Christie didn't answer and Diana rolled onto her side, ignoring the ache in her belly and groin. She had nothing more to say.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Diana woke to the sound of a crying baby and the sudden sensation of wetness dribbling out of her nipples. The bright sunlight streaming through the blinds told her that she must have slept, despite her unquiet thoughts.

"Here you go; your little man is hungry."

Diana reached out and took Theo from the nurse, bared her breast and guided the nipple into her son's eager mouth. The sensation was strange and a little painful, but she wouldn't have it any other way.

"Good morning, darling." Her mother entered the room in a cloud of Givenchy. "How is my grandson?" She peered over Diana's shoulder and commented, "He looked hungry."

"He is, and he's eating."

Her mother laughed. "I'm driving you crazy, I know." She kissed Diana's cheek, cooed at her grandson and settled into a chair.

"You are, but I love you anyway." Diana teased her baby's cheek with a lock of her hair and Theo lifted a tiny fist to bat away the annoyance.

They sat without talking while Theo suckled. Soon enough he announced his satiation with a prodigious yawn. Diana lifted him to her shoulder, patted his back until he let out a little burp, settled him back against her chest and watched him sleep.

"Are you all right, sweetheart?" Her mother interrupted her mediation on her son's breathing patterns.

Diana looked up. "What?"

"You look a little worn out."

"I just gave birth, mom."

Her mother let out an exasperated sigh. "That's not what I mean. You look like you haven't slept. You need to get as much sleep as you can, while you can."

Diana gritted her teeth as her mother went into lecturing mode. "I slept fine, except for …" She cut herself off.

"Except for what, darling?"

Diana wasn't an FBI agent for nothing. She knew how to cover her ass better than almost anyone except Caffrey. "Except for all the times the nurses and aides came in to check on me."

Her mother nodded in agreement. "Yes, that is annoying. Let me put on a sterile gown and take Theo for a little while so you can get some sleep."

Diana leaned back against the pillows and closed her eyes. There was no way she was telling her about that conversation with Christie.

Not because she didn't want to upset her mother, but because that conversation never happened.

Christie had taken a job at Cedars-Sinai nine months ago. She hadn't been back to New York since.