elrhiarhodan | White Collar Fic - When Neal Was Four

Title: When Neal Was Four
Author:

elrhiarhodan
Fandom: White Collar
Rating: Gen
Characters/Pairings: Neal Caffrey (Danny Brooks, Neal Bennett), Ellen Parker
Spoilers: Most of Season 4 and specifically 4.11 – Family Business
Warnings/Enticements/Triggers: Angst
Word Count: ~800
Beta Credit:

miri_thompson
Summary: Neal remembers his fourth birthday, in great detail.

A/N: This is part of the “Neal Caffrey and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad (Birth) Day Fest” for my wonderful friend,

embroiderama for her birthday. Also fills the “Kid Fic” Square on my Trope Bingo Card.

__________________

Neal doesn’t really remember much about his third birthday. He remembers that it was hot. He remembers his daddy picking him up and laughing and calling him a big boy. He remembers opening a box with a big blue hat.

That’s it. That’s all he remembers.

Neal remembers his fourth birthday, though. In great detail.

He remembers that it was cold and wet. He remembers that he had to wear rubber boots over his good shoes because there was snow on the ground. He remembers Ellen holding his hand as they crossed the street. He remembers waiting and waiting and Ellen telling him she was so proud that he was being such a good boy.

He remembers the restaurant. He can even remember the smell of garlic and tomato sauce and he can still hear the music the radio was playing. At four, he doesn’t know the name of the song, but at thirty-four, he remembers that Frank Sinatra was singing “Fly Me To The Moon.”

Neal has a very good memory of what it’s like when he is four years old and it’s his birthday.

He learns patience on his fourth birthday. Disappointment is another gift.

He’s sitting at a table, waiting, and Ellen gives him a box of crayons (not a birthday present, she always carries them with her) and he draws pictures of Mommy and Daddy and Ellen and Neal on the back of the placemat. He waits and waits for Mommy to show up at the restaurant and even though he loves to draw, he hates to wait. He fidgets and messes up the drawing, but Ellen hugs him, kisses him on the top of his head and tells him he’s a big boy now.

She gives him her placemat and he starts another drawing, but he wants to cry. Mommy is supposed to be here. She promised him she’d come and she’d bring lots and lots of presents and a really big cake.

But Neal doesn’t really want lots and lots of presents and a really big cake. He wants just two things for his birthday.

He doesn’t want to be called “Danny” anymore. It’s fun pretending, for a little while, that he’s this other boy called Danny Brooks, but he doesn’t like that game anymore. His name is Neal. Neal George Bennett. He likes that name. But no one calls him that any more. Ellen calls him Danny and Mommy calls him Danny and the ladies at playgroup call him Danny (except when he doesn’t want to stop drawing and they call him Daniel or even Daniel Brooks). He knows he has to listen to Ellen and Mommy and even the playgroup ladies, but he doesn’t have to like it.

Neal has another birthday wish. He wishes that Mommy would stop making promises that she doesn’t keep. Neal is four years old now and he knows that promises are important things. And bad things will happen when you break your promise. He had promised his daddy that he’d be a good boy and listen to Mommy, but he didn’t. Mommy wanted him to eat his vegetables and he didn’t want to, so he threw them on the floor and Mommy started to cry. He was a bad boy and broke his promise and Daddy never came home again.

There may be a third wish, but he doesn’t like to think about it because it makes him want to cry. He wants Daddy to come home. Except that this isn’t the same home and he doesn’t know how Daddy will find them.

He colors and waits and finishes another drawing of Neal and Mommy and Daddy and Ellen. He’s four years old and he’s a big boy and he can even write his name but Ellen takes the crayon away and says he must always write “Danny” when he signs his name. He wants to tell her that his name is Neal, but she puts a finger on his lips and says, “Your name is Danny Brooks.” Her eyes are bright, like she’s about to cry and Danny doesn’t want Ellen to cry. Mommy cries a lot and that makes his chest hurt and makes him want to cry, too.

He gets tired of waiting. He’s hungry and he doesn’t want it to be his birthday anymore. Ellen looks at her watch and she orders him a plate of spaghetti and meatballs and when he finishes, there’s a little birthday cake with four candles and he blows them out.

But Danny doesn’t make any wishes. Because birthday wishes don’t ever come true.

FIN