elrhiarhodan

Title: Dirty, Filthy, Wrong
Author:

elrhiarhodan
Fandom: White Collar
Rating: NC-17 (to the max)
Characters/Pairings: Neal Caffrey, Diana Berrigan, Christie Brooks, Peter Burke, Elizabeth Burke (Diana/Neal, Diana/Christie, Peter/Neal, Peter/Elizabeth, implied Peter/Neal/Elizabeth/Christie/Diana)
Spoilers: None
Warnings/Enticements/Triggers: Sex Pollen and all the ramifications thereof, especially non-con/dub-con and a canonical gay character having het-sex. Rough sex.
Word Count: ~1400
Beta Credit: None
Summary: Diana and Neal are dosed with sex pollen. It’s fuck-or-die. Simple as that.

A/N: For my very dearest friend,

rabidchild, on the occasion of her birthday.

This is the actual transcript of a chat that RC and I had, oh maybe 2-3 years ago… I saved it, thinking that one day I’d turn it into a real fic. I’m still up to my neck in my Big Bang and don’t have the time to do serious work on anything else, but I didn’t want to let the day pass without a gift. I had the bright idea to clean this up and give to her, sort of like what a cat might leave its human on the front porch. And in case you’re wondering, the only thing I cleaned up was grammar, spelling, punctuation and capitalization and maybe the re-ordering of one or two lines to fix the narrative flow when RC and I typed over each other.

__________________

RC: I want Diana/Neal sex pollen!

Elr: But Diana/Neal sex pollen...that is an idea!

RC: Now... I have stipulations.

Elr: Okay?

RC: I just don't want a D/s thing

Elr: No?

RC: Just straight sex…

Elr: I can do this now for you…

RC: They can jockey for control/handedness…

Elr: Lemme think...

RC: I just think most people would go straight for Diana being the Domme, and I just don't want it. It'd be fun is they keep one-upping each other

Elr: Peter sends Diana and Neal to question an insurance fraud suspect. He works at a lab…

RC: Love it!

Elr: The suspect answers most of their questions, but when Neal asks him about why he started driving to work, the suspect gets all squirrelly. He picks up an atomizer and sprays Diana and Neal right in the face. Diana takes the little shit down, and Neal calls in HazMat. They are taken to an isolation ward, because there are unknown agents in the spray. They have to go through decontamination showers (think, Silkwood)

RC: Together?

Elr: No - not together. They are brought to the hospital where Christie works - let's say Columbia/New York Presbyterian.

RC: Ok, I know how I'd write this…

Elr: And Christie can't go in to help Diana, but she can observe and talk to her. Peter comes to see Neal…

RC: (Are P/N a thing?)

Elr: (Yes, they are). Even though they've been through decontamination, they have to stay in isolation - the chemical agent got into their lungs. The lab finds out that they were sprayed with a very concentrated form of human pheromone.

Elr: And it doesn't take much longer for Diana and Neal to start displaying signs of urgent sexual arousal

RC: "Urgent" FTW

Elr: And their partners can't go in to help them.

RC: Don't tell me Christy and Peter have to watch!

Elr: Yes, they do. So Christie is watching Diana frantically masturbate

RC: D'oh

Elr: And Peter's doing the same with Neal, and Neal's asking him to talk dirty to him, but he can't come.

RC: I am so loving this!

Elr: His heart rate’s going through the roof - same with Diana.

RC: Don't tell me they have to have sex or they'll DIE. Cuz, I love that so much

Elr: And they are exhaling the concentrated pheromones, so if anyone goes in there, they'd be exposed (unless they are in complete containment).

The only solution is for Diana and Neal to get together.

And she doesn't want to - and Neal doesn't want to.

Christie tells her, it's her life and she's with her regardless.

Diana says that she has to watch - she has to talk her through this.

RC: Aw, man!

Elr: Peter doesn't want to watch, but he can't walk away either. This is NEAL!!!!!!!!!!!

RC: This is like the best porno ever

Elr: So they are put into a room together - Neal won't touch Diana - to him, it's like a form of rape. And Diana says, “Just because I'm a dyke doesn't make it rape if I say I want to fuck you.”

And Neal's like, “I'll do whatever you want.”

Diana tells him, “You better make it good, because Christie's watching.”

Neal asks, “Peter, you there too?”

(There are two sides for observation, so Peter and Christie are separated)

Peter says yes, and tells him, “If Diana wants to fuck; you damn well better do it!”

RC: After all, his LIFE IS ON THE LINE. This is the ultimate fuck-or-die scenario

Elr: Neal tells Peter he loves him as he reaches for Diana

And it's like the hottest thing for him ever

RC: That's our Neal - taking one for the team

He’s so selfless

I love this - do eet!!!!!!!!!!!! Dooooo eeeeeeeeet!!!!!!!

Elr: They fall on each other like wild animals, he's licking and sucking at her tits and she's clawing at him.

RC: Ah, teh rough sex - love it

Elr: He plunges a hand against her pussy and she's screaming at him, “Shove it up there, you bastard!”

RC: Fisting too? Did Christmas come early?

Elr: And Christie's like, “Neal do it - she likes to be fisted.” And Christie has the filthiest mouth ever

RC: But what about the Monster? It’s time to Release the Kraken!!!!!!!!

Elr: She actually sets the pace - and Diana comes at last - her heart rate slows back down, but Neal's is still high Diana says, “Neal, fuck me but I don't want to see your face!”

RC: Blow him, Diana, he may DIE

Elr: He doesn't think to be hurt

RC: Doggy style FTW

Elr: He puts her on her knees and he fucks her like a dog

RC: Like really hard and fast

Elr: Just pounds into her,

RC: like HARD

Elr: Christie, ever helpful Christie …

RC: Like he's bruising both of them

Elr: Tells Neal to spank Diana’s ass and work her clit. But Neal doesn't here - he's going like a locomotive

RC: Aw, Christy is a champ

Like a stevedore

Elr: And Peter's just standing there, watching

RC: With a giant hard-on? Massive erection, I mean

Elr: Christie (who must have directed porn to put herself through med school) tells him, “Pull out and come over my girlfriend’s ass.”

RC: I knew I liked Christie.

Elr: She's actually totally awed by the Kraken – not that she wants it, but that Neal manages to walk around with that in his pants. Peter is rubbing at his own monster - his massive erection.

He wants to put it in Neal the worst way

RC: But it's dangerous!

Elr: But he also wouldn't mind a taste of what's streaming across Diana's ass, either

RC: He is very pragmatic, that Peter Burke.

Elr: (Peter is a cum guzzling whore after all)

RC: Indeed

Elr: The docs tell Neal that his heart rate is down too

RC: Whew! Mine's up btw

Elr: They test the air and no more pheromones!

RC: Yay - four-way!

Elr: Diana gets up, puts on her robe and tells Neal that if he doesn't want to work for the FBI, he could make a lot of money as a rented dick.

RC: A private dick.

Elr: He just lays there, panting and wasted from the sex, and Peter comes in

RC: Hee

Elr: Neal's on the floor and Peter kneels next to him. He turns and looks at Peter and bites his lip. He tells Peter, "I feel so dirty..."

(Poor Neal)

RC: Aww, but the Kraken knows no master but itself

Elr: Peter's like - "What can I do?"

Neal reaches for Peter's crotch. “You can make me clean again”

RC: HA!

Elr: (Magical healing cock)

RC: But of course! The healing powers of cock

Elr: And Peter's like - Can I get you home (and fuck your brains out?)

The doctors release them, and Peter takes Neal home for a wall to wall banging.

And then the call comes in - that the pheromones are not out of Neal (or Diana’s) systems yet - side effects may include the sudden need for sex and can last up to a month.

Symptoms are instant hard-ons or suddenly drenched pussy.

RC: Yay, elevator sex, yay

Elr: And increased heart rates

RC: Poor Diana had better stock up on Depends

Elr: Only cure - SEX and MORE SEX

RC: This is a tragedy. It'd be so cool if Diana just keeps kind of stalking Neal

Elr: And Neal has to have regular manicures - because Diana has him fisting her at the oddest moments.

RC: And he's all feeling sexually harassed. But he's a humanitarian, it's not like he can let her die.

Elr: Yeah - and Jones doesn't understand why Diana's wearing dresses all the time and Neal gets to come into the office in short sleeve shirts.

RC: Hee! I love this so hard!

Elr: Maybe Christie and Diana come over to the Burkes' for dinner

And Neal gets the rush, which sets Diana off. But El is intrigued - she likes to watch, of course! And Christie's all "Let's do it like this." And she starts looking over Peter.

El's like, “Hey folks, I've got this new strap on!”

RC: Iz ded!

FIN