Neal turned the volume down and looked at Peter. “Can I ask you something, sir?”
“Yes, Neal. You can ask me anything.”
Neal ducked his head.
“When you said before...that my first time should be with someone I care about, did you really mean that - or were you just telling me that so I wouldn’t have sex? I mean - adults are always telling us not to do things that they do all the time. You’re not bullshitting me, right?”
Peter wished he were anywhere else right now. This was a moment of truth. The kid was way too smart to be fobbed off with some textbook line that paraphrased the 11th grade health class. Neal would undoubtedly see right through it, think he was the same as every other adult, and then go out and do something stupid. Or he could tell him the truth - or at least the truth according to the life of Peter Burke.
“Neal…”
The boy interrupted him. “I’ve been thinking that if I keep making a big deal out of it, I’ll never do anything. I mean - I’ve watched movies and stuff - even some of the really gross stuff on the internet, but - if I just go to one of the dance clubs and get together with a guy there, how bad can that be?”
Peter’s temper just about exploded. “Neal - that is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard. I am appalled that a smart young man like you to even think of doing something so criminally, criminally stupid.” Peter didn’t want to think about the rage he felt at the thought of someone else touching Neal, kissing him, holding him.
Neal turned white and looked like he was about to burst into tears.
He forced himself to calm down. “Come here and sit down.” Neal didn’t move. “Neal, come here.” Peter patted the couch, and the kid reluctantly sat.
“Remember when you asked me to keep your secret?”
Neal nodded.
“I’m going to ask you for the same favor.”
Neal blinked. “You’re going to tell me a secret?”
Peter nodded, then shook his head. “It’s not something that no one else knows, but it’s definitely not common knowledge, and it’s not something that any of your fellow students need to know.”
“I won’t tell anyone else, Mr. Burke.” Neal stared at him, his eyes were huge unblinking pools of blue.
Peter looked at his hands and then back at Neal. This was a conversation that needed to be held eye-to-eye.
“Neal, you aren’t the only homosexual in this room. I’m gay too.”
Neal didn’t move - he seemed frozen by the news. Peter watched the expressions cross his student’s face. He was incredulous at first, then Peter thought he saw a spark of happiness, then his face settled into lines of anger.
Neal got up off the couch and paced the room, glaring back at Peter. “You were laughing at me when I told you, weren’t you.”
“No - Neal - absolutely not. Why would I laugh at you?”
“Because I’m a silly kid, coming out like it’s some great big deal.”
“Neal, Neal…” Peter didn’t get a chance to finish his thoughts before Neal bolted from the room, tears streaming down his face.
The kid was quick, but Peter was faster. He grabbed Neal’s arm and hauled him back to the couch. “Sit and listen.”
“First of all - I would never dream of laughing at you. I am honored that you trusted me enough to tell me. I know how hard it must have been.”
Neal’s face was set - he wasn’t giving Peter an inch.
“I knew I was gay when I was thirteen - and if you think it’s difficult now, it was impossible back then. Do you have any idea what it was like in 1977? To be queer? A faggot? A freak? And it wasn’t just getting called names. You were a target - and no one would come and help you if you got your face kicked in.”
Neal finally looked at him. “Is that what happened to you?”
“No, I never told anyone. But kids knew.”
Neal nodded.
“Is that what happened at Westover?”
He nodded again.
“I dated, I played sports, I did everything a normal kid was supposed to do.” Peter stopped, the memories still had the power to make him retch.
“But?”
“There was a guy at school - the basketball coach. I was good and he told me that with a little extra practice I could make the varsity team.”
“What did he do to you?” Neal sat next to him, hunched over and looking terrified.
Peter considered all the answers he could give that wouldn’t traumatize the young man, and then decided that the truth as the best answer.
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Re: Teach Me - Part VI
Date: 2011-01-12 11:45 pm (UTC)“Yes, Neal. You can ask me anything.”
Neal ducked his head.
“When you said before...that my first time should be with someone I care about, did you really mean that - or were you just telling me that so I wouldn’t have sex? I mean - adults are always telling us not to do things that they do all the time. You’re not bullshitting me, right?”
Peter wished he were anywhere else right now. This was a moment of truth. The kid was way too smart to be fobbed off with some textbook line that paraphrased the 11th grade health class. Neal would undoubtedly see right through it, think he was the same as every other adult, and then go out and do something stupid. Or he could tell him the truth - or at least the truth according to the life of Peter Burke.
“Neal…”
The boy interrupted him. “I’ve been thinking that if I keep making a big deal out of it, I’ll never do anything. I mean - I’ve watched movies and stuff - even some of the really gross stuff on the internet, but - if I just go to one of the dance clubs and get together with a guy there, how bad can that be?”
Peter’s temper just about exploded. “Neal - that is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard. I am appalled that a smart young man like you to even think of doing something so criminally, criminally stupid.” Peter didn’t want to think about the rage he felt at the thought of someone else touching Neal, kissing him, holding him.
Neal turned white and looked like he was about to burst into tears.
He forced himself to calm down. “Come here and sit down.” Neal didn’t move. “Neal, come here.” Peter patted the couch, and the kid reluctantly sat.
“Remember when you asked me to keep your secret?”
Neal nodded.
“I’m going to ask you for the same favor.”
Neal blinked. “You’re going to tell me a secret?”
Peter nodded, then shook his head. “It’s not something that no one else knows, but it’s definitely not common knowledge, and it’s not something that any of your fellow students need to know.”
“I won’t tell anyone else, Mr. Burke.” Neal stared at him, his eyes were huge unblinking pools of blue.
Peter looked at his hands and then back at Neal. This was a conversation that needed to be held eye-to-eye.
“Neal, you aren’t the only homosexual in this room. I’m gay too.”
Neal didn’t move - he seemed frozen by the news. Peter watched the expressions cross his student’s face. He was incredulous at first, then Peter thought he saw a spark of happiness, then his face settled into lines of anger.
Neal got up off the couch and paced the room, glaring back at Peter. “You were laughing at me when I told you, weren’t you.”
“No - Neal - absolutely not. Why would I laugh at you?”
“Because I’m a silly kid, coming out like it’s some great big deal.”
“Neal, Neal…” Peter didn’t get a chance to finish his thoughts before Neal bolted from the room, tears streaming down his face.
The kid was quick, but Peter was faster. He grabbed Neal’s arm and hauled him back to the couch. “Sit and listen.”
“First of all - I would never dream of laughing at you. I am honored that you trusted me enough to tell me. I know how hard it must have been.”
Neal’s face was set - he wasn’t giving Peter an inch.
“I knew I was gay when I was thirteen - and if you think it’s difficult now, it was impossible back then. Do you have any idea what it was like in 1977? To be queer? A faggot? A freak? And it wasn’t just getting called names. You were a target - and no one would come and help you if you got your face kicked in.”
Neal finally looked at him. “Is that what happened to you?”
“No, I never told anyone. But kids knew.”
Neal nodded.
“Is that what happened at Westover?”
He nodded again.
“I dated, I played sports, I did everything a normal kid was supposed to do.” Peter stopped, the memories still had the power to make him retch.
“But?”
“There was a guy at school - the basketball coach. I was good and he told me that with a little extra practice I could make the varsity team.”
“What did he do to you?” Neal sat next to him, hunched over and looking terrified.
Peter considered all the answers he could give that wouldn’t traumatize the young man, and then decided that the truth as the best answer.