Pardon Me ... A Small Holiday Season Rant

[elrhiarhodan]

For the record, I hate Christmas music. Which has nothing to do with the fact that I don't celebrate the holiday. What I hate is the false cheer. The hypocritical message of peace and good will peddled by those who believe in anything but that. The sanctimonious imagery of a Norman Rockwell America that never existed. And most of all, the simply bad music and lyrics - bubble gum pop Auto-Tuned to bland sameness.

In other words, "Home for the Holidays." An Anti-Classic. First demortalized by Mr. Bland himself, Perry Como, then punishingly covered by The Carpenters - it's this latter version that will (if anything could) set my mind to murder and mayhem. Uber-perky (and apparently perked up on pills) Karen Carpenter trippingly sings (is that what that's called?) about how "the traffic is terrific!". Words cannot express how much I loathe and despise this recording - which, for some unfathomable reason - is played every hour on every radio station in America (even the All Talk - All The Time ones). This horror is inescapable - it's like a swiftly moving mass of sewage, creeping through even the most tightly sealed portals.

My nightmare is this - although I don't own (and certainly never will) any version of this travesty, I fear that it will somehow infect my iPod, and all 26,000+ songs will become "Home for the Holidays." Or that I'll put a CD in to play in my car, and you guessed it - that's the only song on the disc. I'll end up killing myself as I try to jump out of the moving vehicle. Anything but having to listen to Karen and/or Perry sing about the idiot from Tennesee trying to get to Pennsylvania.

As much as I loathe most American Christmas music, I actually love the old English Christmas carols. My favorite is O Come, O Come Emmanuel, which is seems more Jewish than Christian (ignoring, of course, the line "God's Dear Son"). The best rendition is the one by the King's College Choir, Cambridge. There is a section when the choir divides into six or seven part harmony (with the organ playing descant in the background), and my heart nearly stops from the perfect beauty. This recording was on an album I got from the Musical Heritage Society (probably vinyl) back in the early 1980s (I remember listening to it in college), which has been plundered for a sort of "Best of..." version that now includes some of the minor horrors of the season.

Anyway - whatever holiday shopping I need to do, I'll be doing on line, and when I have to venture out into the Danger Zone (i.e., a mall or chain store), I'll have my earbuds tightly screwed in and something a little more pleasant playing, say John Cage's 4'33".

Oh, and Happy Holidays

Comments

[shelley6441.livejournal.com]

I'm trying not to laugh at your rant but you are so very correct. I hate anything by the Carpenters, and the cornball holiday songs that someone thinks is clever, and continues to use them to infect the airwaves. Alvin & the Chipmunks? Not even for children.

But on a serious note I think it is sad that the real meaning of Christmas is nearly forgotten. I don't think it's smart to go into debt in order to give presents out of obligation or guilt, etc. Offerings of love can be given any time of year. There's nothing worse than receiving a gift with an obvious lack of thought behind it. Yes, that sounds mean but I'm just being honest.

Thanks for writing this, Elr!

*hugs tight*

[elrhiarhodan]

Laugh away - it's either that or cry!

I remember the first time I heard that one of my classmates got presents for every night of Chanaukah. I was SOOOOOOO jealous. We got a dollar (yes - $1) for each night and considered ourselves lucky. Plus a gold chocolate coin.

However, we did celebrate "Santa Claus" - and there were always presents for us on the morning of the 25th...until I was 12 or so.

Nowadays - we (my family) don't exchange anything - and birthdays? We seem to swap the same $$$ for Amazon gift certificates (we're all big readers), unless we tell each other we want something else.