Alas, they were soft and spongy. And I don't mean like the top of a newborn baby's head. I mean soft and spongy like the zucchini that's been in the vegetable bin for too long.
...I really want them, because they are strangely adorable! Like cartoon aliens. I have this mental image of them sitting on either side of my computer, eyeballing each other happily.
Actually, come to think? They're uncannily like the squid-Martians in Calvin & Hobbes! Now I want them even more.
Curse my habit of instant emotional attachment to bizarre nonexistent creatures!
And then, I am reminded of this, from Monty Python's Meaning of Life
Mr Blackitt: No no, I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.
Mrs Blackitt: What do you mean?
Mr Blackitt: I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you...
Mrs Blackitt: Oh, yes... Harry...
Mr Blackitt: And by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller I could ensure that when I came off... you would not be impregnated.
Mrs Blackitt: Ooh!
Mr Blackitt: That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing. But four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
Mrs Blackitt: You what?
Mr Blackitt: French Ticklers... Black Mambos... Crocodile Ribs... Sheaths that are designed not only to protect but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress...
Mrs Blackitt: Have you got one?
Mr Blackitt: Have I got one? Well no... But I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high, and say in a loud steady voice: 'Harry I want you to sell me a *condom*. In fact today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant...'
Ooh, ooh, it was on this very day in 1517 that Martin Luther ... uh, didn't actually nail anything anywhere. He sent his 95 Theses to the bishop in a letter.
BUT THAT'S BORING. So, yeah, pound away, Martin. And we'll print the legend.
Those ... things could be stiff, not soft, if they were willie warmers. What were they, really, anyway?
I don't know what they actually are, but they look a heck of a lot like some of my dogs' toys. I don't know whether this ruins everybody's fun or intensifies it.
A lot of those dog toys are gross and floppy (and attract all the dirt, because some are this kind of sticky rubber plastic stuff) do yo know if they squeaked?
Most of them are. A lot of dog toys are really flimsy, which is why the ones that aren't advertise themselves as extra tough. If it was a dog toy, it wold either have a squeaker, or a rubber ball inside it. the rubber ball so that it bounced properly when thrown. (I speak from a lot of dog toy experience. We have ten dogs, and we have to be careful, because a lot of the toys wouldn't last a day with the Malteses, much less the dogs with actual jaws.)
And I have no idea what they were - other that soft, spongy cock-like things with tents and eyes. If there was an opening under the tents, maybe some type of cock-sock?
"Cock sock". *giggles* I'm going with the dog toy theory. Why would willie warmers ("cock socks" to you *giggles again*) have eyes. Wait, don't answer that.
Don't the Internets have some ... thing where you can identify what a photo is of? I'm sure I've read about something like that. You can tell I'm burning to know.
Sincerely, I think it was simply a child's toy. Michael's is a crafts chain store, and I think this was something a kid picked up, Mom said (most emphatically), NO, and left them in the impulse candy bin at the register.
I may go over to michaels at lunch and see if they have them, still.
While I am not sure what exactly they are supposed to be, my guess is an octopus, they are children's toys. They sell something similar in the Dollar Tree by me. Although how a child would actually play with this I don't know.
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Actually, come to think? They're uncannily like the squid-Martians in Calvin & Hobbes! Now I want them even more.
Curse my habit of instant emotional attachment to bizarre nonexistent creatures!
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Mrs Blackitt: What do you mean?
Mr Blackitt: I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you...
Mrs Blackitt: Oh, yes... Harry...
Mr Blackitt: And by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller I could ensure that when I came off... you would not be impregnated.
Mrs Blackitt: Ooh!
Mr Blackitt: That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing. But four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
Mrs Blackitt: You what?
Mr Blackitt: French Ticklers... Black Mambos... Crocodile Ribs... Sheaths that are designed not only to protect but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress...
Mrs Blackitt: Have you got one?
Mr Blackitt: Have I got one? Well no... But I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high, and say in a loud steady voice: 'Harry I want you to sell me a *condom*. In fact today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant...'
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*heads for the netflix*
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--At Michael's?
...And they're in with the chocolate!
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If the were the least bit firm, I might have acquired them. But when I tell you they had the consistency of rotten vegetables, I'm being kind.
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And yeah, Spencer Gifts. I know EXACTLY what you mean.
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BUT THAT'S BORING. So, yeah, pound away, Martin. And we'll print the legend.
Those ... things could be stiff, not soft, if they were willie warmers. What were they, really, anyway?
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If a dog bit this, it would be shreaded, I'd think.
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And I have no idea what they were - other that soft, spongy cock-like things with tents and eyes. If there was an opening under the tents, maybe some type of cock-sock?
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I'mma sticking with cock socks!
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I may go over to michaels at lunch and see if they have them, still.
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(A certain actor, a certain role)
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Thanks, bb!
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Just sayin'.
*cough*
(wrong fandom icon is still relevant)
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You can do...fun stuff with soft and spongy zucchini.
Or so I'm told.
*polishes halo*
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::shudders::
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*shifty*
Also: I actually meant the one on the RIGHT - since it's GREEN! Spock's GREEN PEEN!
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:D
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Then the kink brain kicked in.
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*realization hits*
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YEAH!
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