I need help...

Okay, I'm done chasing the plot bunnies...and back full time to Vampire!World.  But I need a little bit of help from my awesome flist.  I've written this long bit of speechiness - and I hate it.  I usually have no problem with Peter's voice (he's talking to Vampire!Fowler), but this paragraph is just annoying the snot out of me.

Anyone want to give me about 10 minutes of writing assistance?  This isn't a full-blown beta request...just some pencil sharpening.

Thanks....


Elr.

I need help...

Okay, I'm done chasing the plot bunnies...and back full time to Vampire!World.  But I need a little bit of help from my awesome flist.  I've written this long bit of speechiness - and I hate it.  I usually have no problem with Peter's voice (he's talking to Vampire!Fowler), but this paragraph is just annoying the snot out of me.

Anyone want to give me about 10 minutes of writing assistance?  This isn't a full-blown beta request...just some pencil sharpening.

Thanks....


Elr.